Where I'm From

Where I’m From

1. I am from stars,

2. From carbon, hydrogen, and helium mixed with magic

3. I am from eyes squeezed tight

4. And please, please, please let my wish come true.

5. I am from tulle and satin,

6. Dance recitals and princess gowns,

7. A child who never quite grew up…

8. Dreams I thought I’d outgrow eventually.

9. I’m from piano keys and Election Days

10. From Sinatra and Glinda the Good Witch.

11. I’m from s’mores

12. And lightning bugs

13. And fireworks after the baseball game.

14. I’m from flashlights and books under bed sheets,

15. First Days of School photographs,

16. And “You Were Right, Mom” ’s.

17. I’m from baptisms by that muddy riverbank

18. From hands that speak

19. Thumb, pointer, pinky… I love you, too.

20. From Nana’s hands covered in flour

21. To Grandmama’s thick accent at the Thanksgiving table

22. They say I take too many pictures

23. And maybe they’re right but if I’ve learned anything

24. It’s that this life is about people.

25. I’m from stories, decisions, dreams,

26. Paths chosen and followed and diverted along the way.

27. I am from a long line of people, roots and limbs and trunk

28. This tree always growing, changing

29. And if you look, up and to the left just a little

30. That small little bud? That one’s me.

It Felt Like Coming Home.

It was exceptionally warm, the sound of the kickball game going on provided a nice roar to cover my silence. Enough beating around the bush. I dug my toe into the dirt, squinting in the sunlight streaming down in all directions. A boy now more part man than all child and growing faster every day rounded third, sprinting for the plate as the ball hurtled back into the infield.

"I really, really messed up," I told her as the towheaded boy, awkwardly running in his newly acquired height, crossed the plate at full speed. Safe.

I told her everything, actually. I closed my eyes and unfolded all of the edges as she took in the entirety of a really ugly mess that resides in what seems my all too recent memory. I told her how it happened. How I chose. How it hurt. How I cried. How it ended. How it still comes in waves, like last night when I felt like I was drowning even though it's been almost two years and shouldn't I be past this by now? But thanks for holding my hand, there are some times when I'm not sure if I'll be able to come up for air again at all.

Deep breath, I tore my gaze finally away from the game across the field, bracing myself for the look that always comes when anyone hears part of this story of mine. The eyes filled with pity and disgust, judging every single layer I had tried to peel apart. Dropping the trust I had so gingerly placed in their care. No wonder it's been broken so many times.

But she wasn't looking at me like that. She actually was looking at me the exact same way she had before I even tried to dive into this mess. She shrugged, smiled.

You're not broken. You're still worth it. We all do things, it doesn't make you any less of a person. I love you the same as always.

I thought my heart might just implode. I didn't realize how deeply painful the drought had been until I finally felt the rain. How thirsty I was for just a bit of unconditional love, a bit of acceptance. The kickball game wrapped up and we headed toward the field to join the circle of hands that connected a large number of the people who mean the most to me in the world. I don't know if she knew how drastically my world had been changed in that moment... that the glass castle I had built around myself had just been shattered. I could feel the sunshine, and it felt like coming home.

~

It's important you know some of the back story here. It's not everything, because the everythings are better shared in coffee shops, hands wrapped around warm mugs, or in left field of a community park in a small town in West Virginia that has all kinds of a hold on your heart. Call me up sometime, we'll share in the everythings.

I'd been on this trip for years. This year was my sixth, actually. Long enough to watch 4-year-olds become middle-schoolers with hearts the size of Texas and to have plenty of "remember that one time?!" stories. Long enough to feel like I was coming home rather than leaving it when I put Arnoldsburg, West Virginia into my GPS. Except, this year, I didn't really want to go.

It really boils down to the fact that I had a lot of pain I was holding on to. A sea of heartache I didn't think I could wade through or figure out so I sat on the shore ignoring it. A lot of distance I had tried to place between me and a God I was fairly certain didn't even exist, and if He did, then sure as hell didn't want anything to do with someone like me. So, as much as I wanted to see some of my favorite people in the world, spending a week telling them about something I didn't believe in myself didn't exactly sound like a good time. My desire to stay home was only strengthened when 2 of the co-teachers in my class dropped out of the trip a week before we left. And I was flying in from a family vacation the night before I needed to leave (to drive by myself, because everyone else would already be there). But in the end, desire to see everyone won out and I went anyway.

We run a VBS at a small church in this town of Arnoldsburg. It's a system now of how we go visiting to let people know we're here, and how we pick the kids up and bring them home Monday through Friday so that they can come learn about Jesus with us. The good thing was that, even though I may not necessarily have believed it, I had grown up in church, so I knew all the right words to say when it came to teaching about Jesus and the gospel. I'd had 20 years of experience in hearing it said to me, and teaching isn't much of a struggle for me, so Monday came along and we began our lessons in our VBS theme of 'Colossal Coaster World' where our message was Facing Fear and Trusting God. We were learning about Paul and every day we would add a piece of his story.

(What we learned of Paul's story, as summarized by me:
Paul was not a good guy at the beginning of the story. He was named Saul, and he was famous for arresting Christians and having them brutally beaten and murdered. He thought that God was a joke and he refused to have anything to do with Him, except for when it came to arresting His people. But then God came along and stopped him. Literally stopped him in his tracks on the road to Damascus and said 'Saul, why are you persecuting me?' and Saul went blind and was completely shocked. Enter Ananias, God's faithful servant, who then followed God's voice and went to Saul, telling him about God and, with God in him, healed Saul of his blindness, allowing him to become Paul. Paul was completely ecstatic about this God that he now knew to be entirely real and who had changed everything about him. He went around praising God and preaching about Him, but the people of God didn't trust him because of what he had done. They didn't see how someone who had done such terrible things could be loved and changed by God so instantly, and they didn't trust his transformation. They didn't trust him so much so that they wanted him to be taken out of the city, and they were prepared to hurt him. Enter Barnabas, a man of God who believed what Paul said and helped him to flee the city safely. Later, in Philippi, Paul and his friend Silas were preaching the word of God when they happened upon a slave girl possessed with a demon who allowed her to tell fortunes. They cast out the demon, making the girl's owners very mad, and they persuaded the leaders of the city to arrest the two men. While in jail, they were praising God and praying without ceasing, which is the exact opposite of what you would expect from someone who was just put in jail. That night there was an earthquake and all of the prisoner's chains were broken and the doors were opened. The jailer woke up and freaked out because he thought that all of the prisoners had escaped, so he was about t kill himself before the officials would kill him when Paul yelled to him and told him that no one had gone. The jailer ran into the cell and asked how to be saved, and Paul told him that he just had to believe in Jesus. The jailer took them home and his whole family was saved.)

There's more to the story, of course, and I think you should read it when you have time. It's incredible the works that God did through Paul's life.

It wasn't an accident that this was the story of the week. Because, friends, this story sunk right down into the very core of who I was.

Wednesday came, the day we share the ABC's of salvation, which is the Gospel message that Jesus came to earth to die and rise again for our sins so that we could have communion with God in heaven one day. I'd heard the story a million times, and spouted off all of the right things to say without really thinking too terribly much about it. After Wednesday came Thursday, the day of invitation. We have a group-wide invitation where we invite people to ask Jesus into their lives if they haven't before. It's an incredible time where people get to choose to accept what they have been listening to all week, or to walk away from it. Every class sent a teacher to the front at the altar to talk to and pray with the kids that might come up from the respective classes. Our class sent me. After a while and a few wonderful re-dedications, one girl in my class named Kirsta came up to the front. She was so incredibly excited, she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart! And, Miss Sarah, that means that I get to be with God forever and that I get to talk to Him and that He will help me through hard times and oh, Miss Sarah, I am so excited because I get JESUS!

It rocked the foundation of my little world, that girl in that moment. I had 'accepted Jesus' some years ago as a kid, a decision I had made because it was what everyone I knew had done, and one of my friends had just walked to the front so I might as well. Also, I get to have communion if I do it so that sounds pretty cool. But it was never excitement. It was never I get JESUS!... It was just what I was supposed to do, if I believed it or not. God was an obligation, something I accepted as being real just as I had accepted that the sky was blue. It was what the people I trusted had said, but not something I had really delved into to see if it was something I believed. It definitely wasn't something I had acted on at all.

And so we prayed, and we were excited, and she wanted to be baptized, and we wrote her name down and she went and sat back down with our class. I was overwhelmed... all these people and all these moments this week... ones I didn't even write about because, let's face it, this blog post would be about 12 years long if I told you all the details... all of the sudden, it just made sense. Because no matter how much I read, and no matter which religions I had looked at trying desperately to find something to tell me I wasn't as broken as I felt, nothing else made as much sense as Jesus. As a God who sealed me with his fingerprint, who knew that I would mess up, who sent His one and only child to live this amazingly perfect life, but still have to die so that my bad stuff wouldn't keep me away. Who let me grow and live and make decisions all because He knew that true and total love requires you to choose it. To choose love above all other things, and to let love win. That is the only way to experience all the joy that comes with loving and being loved. All this time I'd been running as far as I could, but I turn around and He's still right here. He really never left.

And so I ran. Right straight smack into the middle of the ocean of grace that I hadn't let myself believe was truly there. And in that moment, on that pew in the front of a church full of hearts that have a grip on mine, I chose. I understood that this is truth, this God that sees the mess, the brokenness, the terrible things... He still wants me. He still says, 'Hey, I pick you. Every single moment, I pick you. You're on my team.' He's real. He's not just something you read a story about, or something that you do because you're expected to on Sunday mornings when you're at home. He's real. And it sounds so elementary for someone who has grown up in a church but it blew my mind, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so broken. I prayed for quite some time, asking Him to move in me like he did for Paul. I finally felt myself beginning to release all of that pain I had been holding on to for so very long. Because if He can forgive Paul, and if He can forgive me, maybe it's finally time that I try and do the same for myself. Not to say it will be easy, but in the same way I didn't realize I needed rain in the drought, I didn't realize how heavy all that pain was until I felt it slide off my shoulders and I put it at the foot of the cross and walked away.

I made the decision to be baptized the following day, Friday. I wanted to follow through with telling everyone that I had made a decision to give my life to Christ, and that I want to live for Him in all that I do. That this is real to me, and not just a faith I claim on Sunday mornings, but a faith that is rooted deep into everything I am. What an incredible experience as well. I got to be baptized by a man who has become like a second father to me throughout the years of going on this trip, as well as my friend, the one who saw my mess and loved me in spite of it all. So many of the people who have come to hold an immensely special place in my heart were there also. It is amazing to know that I have this incredible support system to help me through this new journey.

~

And that brings us back to the kickball game. My heart was in a new place, and I wasn't sure how to navigate it yet. So I released pieces of my story that had been poking into my insides, keeping me from breathing. I showed them and, in return, I received love. Love from a God who pours out oceans upon oceans of grace and welcomes me in, a child splashing in true and complete joy as her Daddy watches and smiles... I know He must have smiled. I also received love from a friend. A real person who saw past my messiness and loved me anyway. What an example of Jesus in this world. We circled up around the infield, our group expanding and taking up almost its entire perimeter. As I looked around, my heart suddenly felt so full it might burst. This is love. And hope. And joy. And grace. And peace. And acceptance. And as we clasped hands and bowed our heads, I smiled. I really could feel the sunshine. And it felt like coming home.

All My Love,

-S.

19 Things I Learned at 19.

20 years old. It still tastes funny in my mouth, a mixture of letters I don't quite recognize, a new decade. The beginning of 'your twenties', as those in their 30s, 40s, 50s say... a time full of adventure and mistakes and moments chock full of figuring out who you are in this world. But don't worry, dear, because really no one figures out who they are in the world. You just walk through it and you do the best you can. It's strange knowing that my teenage years are at an end. I would still much rather binge watch an entire TV show on netflix while eating nutella out of a jar than dress in nice clothes and pay my own bills and figure out what 'taxes' means and have to balance a check book. These past few years have altered me in ways that are completely irreversible, but I think that's probably what your teenage years are supposed to do. I have learned so much that I wish I would have known all along, but I also know that it's all a part of the process. The lessons I've learned am learning are not just for the years beginning with "1", but for the years beyond that. I know that in this life, we all make our own mistakes, and that's really okay. We've got a whole lifetime to figure this thing out. Drink that in, friend of mine, let it settle into your bones. No one has this thing figured out, but each day we grow more and more into the people we are supposed to become. Just smile, and try to make the best of it. Here are a few of the things I've learned on my pathway through this life, and maybe they'll help you out sometime. So, here's 19 of the things I've learned in my 19 years.

1. Always ask for help. And then ask for more. And then, probably ask for help again. Nobody has it all together in this world. We like to think that we do, but in reality, we don't. We all have weak points and things that we cannot do on our own. And that's okay. One of the joys of the human heart is to help another, and that goes for others as well. Asking for and accepting help are not weaknesses, but strength in knowing when you can do better with the help of another.

2. The human heart is a fragile, beautiful thing. Treat it as such. Don't let others mess with yours, and you don't mess with others'. Really we are all just trying to move through this world together. Be kind, and help others on their own journeys. Don't put up with people who don't treat you as the valuable person that you are. Know your worth, and protect your heart. Find the balance between vulnerability and brokenness and know when to tread it. It is important to be true to who you are and the innermost parts of what that means, but it is also important to know where the cracks are and how to keep them from growing. It all comes along with knowing yourself and knowing how full of value you are.

3. Sometimes, it's worth doing whatever you're doing at 2am, even though you'll be tired the next day. You'll catch up on sleep.

4. You don't get to choose how I love you. I know how basic and elementary that this sounds but when it finally seeped into my soul, it rocked my world. I've never been much for confrontation, never liked the feeling of knowing that someone out there in the world doesn't like who I am or what I stand for. But I'm learning that you can't please everyone. It's impossible. So, you do what you can and you make it through the world. You don't get a say in the way people choose to show love, and other people don't get a say in how you choose to do the same. You move forward in the best way that you know how, and that's all you can do. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.

5. Hearing and Listening are two vastly different things, and it is rare to find someone who knows the difference between the two. Many people are champions at hearing. Often, they can tell you word for word what you've just said. But it's rare to find a listener... a person who takes what you have to say to heart, who devotes time and attention to the deepest parts of you that you are trying to convey to them. A listener is a person who makes you feel like you are the most important thing in that moment, and that is how listening should be. You are valuable and you deserve to be listened to. Find someone who is willing to listen, not just hear you.

6. Be unequivocally, entirely, wholly you. Don't try to be something that you aren't, no matter what your reasoning is. Be you. There is literally no one else on the entire planet that has the outlook on life that you do. You may find someone who comes close, but you will never find an exact match. You are stripping the world of the ability to have the person that is you in it, and that is not fair to the other people of the world. As for me personally, I want, I need to know who you are. You will shape me on my journey through this life, whether or not you know it. Be you. That's a decision you won't regret. (Unless you are an axe murderer at heart, and then let's have a conversation before you go about being you, alright?)

7. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend that you are. People won't be able to tell the difference.

8. Stop putting yourself down. It's not attractive, it's demeaning. If you actually see yourself that poorly, you need to get a better mirror. There is so much good in you, things you can't even possibly know yet. See the good in yourself and focus on improving that.  Be confident, because you're awesome. Abso-freaking-lutely awesome. Trust me. I'm an un-biased opinion.

9. This life is full of ordinary days. Play up the special ones. They're special for a reason.

10. Friends are the thing that make this life incredible. They make the happy moments happier and the not so happy moments bearable. When you find someone whose quirks mesh up with yours, hold on to them. They are worth all the world. But know, too, that sometimes friendships aren't meant to be forever. Sometimes friends are for a season. And that's okay, too.

11. Fall in love. Fall in love every single day, over and over and over again. With people. With places. With what you do. With a goal, a job, a star, a flower. Give a piece of yourself to something or someone and let yourself be enthralled by it. Let yourself trust in it. It's so scary sometimes and you may very well get hurt but do it anyway because love is what makes this whole entire thing worth it. Love and love and love and love until you think that you can't love anymore and then love again. I promise you with all I am that it will be the best and most wonderful part of your time here.

12. You're going to have to try. 98% of good things in this world don't come without at least a bit of effort. When you've worked for something, it makes it much sweeter anyway. Don't confuse this as a contradiction of #1. It isn't. Learn the difference between the two.

13. Always read the book before you see the movie. It makes the experience a thousand times better.

14. You define who you are. Savor the sweetness that resides in the depth of those words. You. Define. Who. You. Are. No one else gets a say. You know the type of person you are, and you know where you stand. You may make mistakes, and you may lose people, and they may walk away with the wrong idea of who you are in their minds. But that idea that they have is not you. You get to decide who that is. And it may change from moment to moment, the definition you create. It may be adapted a million times over before you think you've gotten it right, and then it will probably change all over again after that. Rest in that, though. Decide who you want to be, and become that person. You get to do that.

15. Your past is just a story. It only has as much power as you give it. There's substance to the saying of you don't get to choose where you come from, but you do get to choose where you go from here.

16. You're gonna get hurt. Probably more than once. But this world is such an incredible place. And there are people out there that love you infinitely. And you're a good thing in someone's life. And if you just keep going, eventually the pain does become less and less. It will take time, and that part is no fun, but just wait it out. You're worth the effort it will take you to keep moving forward. Promise.

17. Laugh as much as possible. You look better when you smile.

18. Take time to slow down a little bit. Life can be exhausting at 180 miles per hour 24/7. Take time to do the things you love- you love them for a reason. Put people first, and that includes yourself. Learn to say no sometimes... it really is okay to stay in on a Friday night and watch a movie in the comfort of your pj pants. Look at all the beautiful things around you and breathe them in. Don't let the whirlwind of things make life pass you by. Savor it.

19. Be all there. If there is anything that you remember from this rambling list of things I am discovering about the amazing place we call life, please let it be this: Wherever you are, be all there. Show up for people. Let them see their importance reflected in your eyes. Put the phone away. Bring your mind back to the very second you are living in. Because we are in the middle of the good old days and trust me, you don't want to miss them.


I'm not really awesome at most of these yet. But I'm learning. This world is an incredible place full of beauty and laughter and people and love. I'm so thankful to have had the chance to experience it for 20 years. Here's to a new decade full of new experiences!

All my love,

-S.

Before.

There are a few things you should know about me.
First,
My name is Sarah and that means princess
Which is what I've always fancied myself to be
Proceeding to help shape my corner of the world
Looking fabulous in tulle while doing so

Second,
I sometimes forget to turn the lights off when I leave a room.
And I really like crawling into fresh sheets on the bed,
Christmas lights make the room feel softer.
I'll clean up the shoes on the floor, I promise.

Third,
I'm terrified of falling.
The scars I carry have become heavier
Than they were when I first gained them.
Unfortunately people got here before you did, and sometimes
It's hard to look past the walls they constructed during their stay.
It's not personal.

Fourth,
I am in love with words. All words.
And sometimes I'll try and piece them together and
They'll come out too fast and I'll use the wrong ones
But look hard, there's a meteor shower in my soul
And they make me so excited and my heart is full
And how can you not runthingstogetherwhenyourheartisfull?

Fifth,
I forget my half-full teacups around the house.
It's a side-effect of being a dreamer.
It's okay, I'll get it eventually.
I probably got distracted by the sunlight.
It illuminates the dust in the air and I'm not sure exactly how
But there's poetry in that.

Sixth,
I remember useless things
Like the way you take your coffee and
The color of the shirt you wore the night I saw
Sparks behind your eyelids for the first time
But I tend to forget other things
Appointments, fresh milk for the fridge,
Nailpolish tops left on the counter beside the bottle
I'm working on that.

Seventh,
I hate odd numbers.
Especially 3's and 7's.
I don't really think there's logic to that one.
I just do. And this isn't an exception.

Eighth,
I believe in pinky promises and star wishes.
The world is full of ordinary,
Things fail and promises break
But add just a touch of magic, a hint of trust
And suddenly galaxies exist in the palm of your hand

Ninth,
I'm always looking for this moment
Trying to be fully here, exactly where I am.
This second to be followed by the next in
A set of perfection.
I try to live my life so that if a photograph were to
Be snapped at any second,
It would be something worth remembering.

Tenth,
I'm a lot to take on.
There's a lot of pieces that come in the package
Things that can't be so easily assembled sometimes.
I think they forgot to add the instruction manual anyway.
But there's also a lot of good that comes with accepting
You'll get notes in your lunchbox and tea first thing in the morning
You'll get your favorite meal because it's the anniversary of that one thing.
Or maybe just because it's Tuesday.
You'll get poems written about the way your fingertips
Remind me of piano keys, and your eyes of fourth of July fireworks.
With me, you'll get all the love I have to offer and then some.
It is an adventure. You can join in if you'd like.
I'm pretty sure you'll smile.

-S.

Five Minute Friday.

Today's Prompt: Hands.

Go.

I'll never forget the first time I understood hands. It was incredible.

No stress. It's funny how you don't realize how heavy something is until you're able to put it down for a while.

There are certain things that hearing people don't quite understand.

Like relying on your lips to tell me what is happening, rather than your voice.
Like having so many, over and over and over, give you a 'never mind' rather than responding to your quest for knowledge.
Like missing something so many times it is embarrassing to ask again.
Like relying on someone else to convey what is happening, and still missing the point because they've failed to convey it.
Like being the butt of a joke, the 'huh? what'd you say?' thrown back at you like you're something to be laughed at.

But hands. They paint the world right there in front of you. They let you speak and breathe and communicate without worry or stress or embarrassment. All of the sudden, you're a piece of the world. Not something broken, but something full and whole.

I bet you didn't know you could hear a hand. Just open your eyes, your mind. Listen, I'll share with you.

Here's how to sign 'I love you, too'.

Beautiful.

Stop.

-S.

Five Minute Friday.

Today's Prompt: Nothing.

Go.

On my knees, gaze pointed down at the floor. Embarrassed. Hands wringing, bits of ocean fill in around the blue, vision blurs. I squeeze my eyes shut.

I feel the broken pieces sticking into the deepest part of my soul. I feel the shattered glass, the pieces I tried so desperately to glue back together, but the elemers glue is just not enough and my childlike hands are clumsy and don't know how to mend the holes.

I'm so sorry. I messed it all up. I made so many bad decisions, went precisely in the opposite direction of where you wanted me to be. I really didn't mean to most of the time. You trusted me with so much and I didn't do as you asked. You gave me all the beauty and wonderful things in the world and I ungratefully took them and abused them all. I wanted so badly to take care of what you gave me, to be the person you wanted me to be, but I broke it all. I'm here, but I have nothing left. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. I wouldn't either.

Hand reaches, gentle underneath my chin, raising my gaze to meet your own.

Oh, sweet girl of mine. There is nothing you could do, no mistake made, no promise broken, no path too far away... there is no height nor depth that could ever keep my love from reaching you. 

Your arms slide around my shoulders, I didn't realize how much I craved them to be there, you hold me close. I feel the pieces, the brokenness I was sure was beyond repair, begin to mend again.

I brought you nothing, you gave me everything.

This is grace, this is love.

Stop.

-S.

Five Minute Friday.

Today's prompt: Close.

Go.

It's so easy to feel so lost sometimes.
Life feels like a sprint in the opposite direction of the home where you are
And it's so easy to get caught up in the path that goes that way.

I've never been good at directions.

I can get lost more easily than I'd like to admit
It's just so simple to get turned around
Driving in circles, farther away from where you are
Where I need to be.

I swear I've seen that tree before.

God knew not to create me before the GPS.
And I guess that lost sense of direction carries over to life itself somedays
Taking wrong turns, losing my way
I promise I'm trying.

And just when I think I'm hopelessly lost
When the road seems so long behind me
When I'm miles and miles down the path I didn't intend to take

Deep breath.
U-turn.
But wait, what is that, just to the right?

Oh.

There you are.
You were so close all along.

-S. 

Poetry.

I've recently moved here, and I wanted to bring some poetry with me. Hope you don't mind.

Eleven. Twenty-Nine. Thirteen.

I'm made of stars.
Carbon hydrogen and helium
I'm not a scientist, so I couldn't say for certain
But I know about wishes and magic and light
Distance and stories and mystery
I've squeezed my eyes shut many a time
A 'star light, star bright...' wish whispered into a night sky
I'm made of stars.

I'm made of pieces.
Skinned knees and bruised hands
Heart beats resounding hollow trying to hide the mess
Inside clumsily scotch-taped mosaic
Held together by elemers covered fingers
All grown up but really
Five years old trying to hide the cracks
Of a heart that accidentally slipped
Trusted in the hands of someone
Not quite ready to hold it.
I'm made of pieces

I'm made of crumbs.
Christmas eve wishes settling in the bottom of a plateNear a letter and an ice cold glass of milk
Slippered feet illuminated by glowing colors
Lights and ornaments, wreaths and bows
Please, Santa I know I've messed up but I tried...
I'm made of crumbs.

I'm made of bits of poetry.
Words that cut deeper than the surgeon scalpel
When he took out all the bad cells
Stitching me back together in the broken spots
The spots cut open, bleeding, painful
But cut open, deep, to make me better
Make me whole.
I'm made of bits of poetry.

I'm made of eighth notes.
Half notes, quarter, rest
Little beats mixing and twirling
Tutus and ballet slipper feet
Watching the big girls and please please please
Let me dance pretty just like them
Finding my own rhythm to the song
Learning to recognize the song inside my very being.
I'm made of eighth notes.

I'm made of memories.
Flying like birds through department store doors
Their simple way in not so easily reversed
Rattling around inside and finding new places to rest
Causing gasps and sometimes breaks
Other times giggles and 'oh won't this be a story to tell'
Knocking off dust from where it wasn't even noticed
I'm made of memories.

I'm made of prayers.
Words whispered in the good and the bad
Holiday tables surrounded by families
Sunday lunches. Full-churched candle-lit hymns.
Funerals. Hospital beds.
The pleases and the thank yous, the wishes and the wonders.
I'm made of prayers.

I'm made of hope.
The little whisper that says that
When the world lets you down
When you're bruised and heartbroken
When Christmas is over and the magic slips away
When the bad things aren't able to be removed
When the music stops
When the memories fade
When prayers feel like they're sinking into tiles
Hold on.

Because I'm made of rays of sunshine.
Nighttime coming to an end.
New beginning. Another day.
Second chance.
I'm made of sunshine.

Four. Eleven. Thirteen.

Things I hope for you:

Your days are full of sunshine
And when they aren't,
I hope the rain is gentle
I hope you laugh
And when you can't,
I hope you know that things will clear up soon.
They always do.

I hope someone tells you how wonderful you look
With that crooked tooth
And the crinkles beside your eyes
And that one color that you look amazing in.
I hope that your hair grows,
And you have to get it cut again and again.
That's one of life's small joys, you know.
That, and wearing a new outfit.

I hope you take the time to feel the grass between your toes
And really listen to the waterfall.
You let the child run their fingers over your face
And you let the tickles bring belly laughs.

I hope you remember to look up at the stars
Count them until you're lost in the wonder of it all
And then remember that you, too
Are made of stars.

Remember that everyone you are scared of
Is 65% water
And that bumble bees die after they sting
And that every storm runs out of rain
And that nothing is infinite
Not even heartache.

Remember that you'll be okay.
Remember that I'm pulling for you.
Remember that I believe in you.

Three. Fifteen. Thirteen.

Rest.

Hands open, broken, cracked.
I sit here at this table, Your table.
Thank you for saving a seat for me.

My heart is weary; I'm afraid I've worn it out.
Life has been so busy. Always on the move.
Minutes slip through fingers- dew drops in morning sun.

Most are good, though some are not.
There's always somewhere to be.
Someone to see, someplace to visit, some thing to be accomplished.

But I sit here; I sit at your table in this moment.
I take a short reprieve from the bustle of the go, go, go.
I breathe deep; my constricted lungs finally expand.

I lean in, I lay my head on your shoulder.
I close my eyes and I am still.
I listen for the quiet.

You hold me close.
You let me know that it will be okay.
You let me rest.

Thank you.

Three. Seven. Thirteen.

Do you know why
You can never fully repair something that was broken?

Because there are tiny fragments that break off of the whole
They are so small that you do not see them
Mixed in with carpet fibers and wood grain
But they are there
And now they are missing.

You can try your best to put the pieces back together
But they won't fit exactly right
Because there are those parts that you can't get back
The parts that are lost forever
Pieces that have been claimed by another space.

But have you ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered?
Then you know that there are tiny cracks
Little spaces where those pieces are missing
Fault lines that are permanently etched.

But if you've ever tried to fix something
That was, at one time, totally shattered,
Then you also know that those cracks
Those etched-in fault lines
Those missing-piece holes
Are the places where the light comes in.

The same goes for hearts.
So, too, with people.

Two. Twenty-eight. Thirteen.

2am.
This is just a rambling mess.
A jumble of thoughts and consciousness
So please forgive me if I make no sense
Or all the sense in the world
But I just need to talk tonight

Friend of mine, there are things I need to do
Have you ever felt that way?
There is this itching under my skin
This need to do something in the world
To leave fingerprints, memories, ink smudges
To make a difference

You know, I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Who to be, what to say, where to go
But I do know the fire-dipped shades of sunset skies
The deep pink of wind-bitten cheeks
The silver of child-laughter eyes
And the lavender of wishes on stars.
I know the grey of tears down cheeks,
The black of empty arms in empty beds
And I know the green of new, fresh,
starting over, and over, and over again.
This world is a rainbow that always seems
to keep showing up after every storm.
Dew drop on a blade of grass, sud in a sink.
And I'm thankful.

I want to take my frayed edges
My messy hair and uneven eyeliner
I want to take my hoodies and jeans with the torn holes
And take my chipped fingernails and my too-long toes curled in nervous anticipation
And I want to offer them to you.
It isn't much.
It's pennies and broken shells and maybe
even shards from broken hearts
But it's what I am and it's what I have
And I want to give it to you.
I want to offer up these fragments,
These seemingly broken things

Because without the colored pieces mosaics cannot exist.

Friend, I want to leave a piece of me here.
Maybe with you, maybe with petals in the wind
Maybe even on the glint off a feather of a
bird high in the tree tops
Because that's where you'll find me.
You'll find me here, then there, always
Always floating through the world, breathing deep the colors of now, now, now

You'll find me in the words I leave on this paper piece.
Because I am a writer.
This my greatest dream, you see
And it may not always work
And the sentences may not make
And sometimes I Capitalize The Wrong Letters
And... Well... I pause, rather, frequently
And I say the same things over and over
And I repeat myself
And I don't make sense.
My hands are covered in ink and eraser smudges,
Coffee and tear stains.
And still the words don't flow.
The heart is lopsided but beating
And this is the greatest thing I have.
This is what I am.

I am words. A big long string, unending,
Unbroken.
Word after word connected and placed
So that you can know my name.
So that when you hold up your thumb to the sky
You can count four over, three across
You can see my star.
The one that grants wishes and hope
The silver in the black.
This so that you taste the sweet of sunshine and fresh cotton sheets.
The honeysuckle in late June dusk.
Maybe this is my fingerprint.
Maybe my memory.
These my words.
The words I leave here, on this page,
covered in the hue of windowsill cracks
This hour that blurs the lines of the page
The too-late and too-early belonging to days gone and to be
The smell of coffee and toothpaste and chocolate chip cookie.
These words, messy, chopped, scribbled, whispered, placed.
They rest in the outstretched palm
The fingers extended,
Dirty fingernails and all.

Here.
For you.

May & See You Later.

It's the end of the year. It's that time when cardboard boxes make me more nostalgic than just about anything in the entire world, and where it's suddenly placed right up in my face how very quickly this is all moving. It's going by so fast, this whirlwind of a life. Moments keep slipping like sand through the cracks between my fingers, and they never seem to fall less quickly. How am I supposed to just let them go? How am I supposed to just let you go?

I'm going to miss you.

And it's not fair. It's not fair because I swear that it has been just seconds since we met and now you are going to be walking out into this world. It isn't fair that I can't go with you and cheer for you as you shape this planet. But, those people who do get to see you soar next? They are the luckiest ones. The new people that can count on your presence in an everyday sort of way the way that I have recently, they are in for such an amazing treat.

I want you to know that you changed me.

You have shared so many good things with me. So many laughs. Heart to heart conversations. Meals and days when I couldn't seem to keep my own chin up. Sunshine-filled walks and puddle-splashing days. Two sets of boot prints in the snow. You came into my life as the biggest blessing.  I knew from day one that we would share a very special space. And I was right. Without you, I wouldn't be the person that I am standing here as today. You've filled in a place I was unaware was empty.

You are going to do amazing things.

Really, though. You are going to change this world and I cannot wait to see as you blaze a new trail right through the thick of it. You have a fire in your eyes that I admire and envy, because I just know that you're going to use it to shift the axis of the planet on which we stand. You have big dreams, and you will achieve them. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that much. You've already changed my little corner of the world. Just think of how many more little corners you will touch. It's really quite astonishing. Everyone who has the chance to know you is so lucky.

Thanks. For everything. I know it's just a word, and that it's not much, but it's what I have to give. So, thanks.

You filled me on days I was empty. You gave me moments of joy and memories that I will have for the rest of my time on this journey. You showed me how to live this life to the absolute fullest and for that, you will never know how eternally grateful that I am.

Thanks for the breakfasts. For the dances. For the park trips. For the ice cream and the movie nights. Thanks for the car rides, the radio up too loud, the smiles we couldn't seem to loose. Thanks for holding me together when I started coming unglued. Thanks for pushing me to become a better person. Thanks for accepting that there are parts of me that probably won't be fixed at all. Thanks for nights out and nights in and days together and showing me a view of the world I hadn't seen before I met you. Thanks for all the moments, the memories, the love that comes from having a friend like you.

I suck at goodbyes, so how about just see you later?

And no matter where this life may take you, you'll always know where to find me.

I'm cheering for you.

All my love,

-S.

Tired of Being Broken.

I'm full of missing pieces
Windowpanes once whole now only shattered glass
Rebuilding seeming nearly impossible
Holes too big to fill in

I'm tired of being broken.
And I can write beautiful things that give heartbeat to ink
Leaving footprints on arteries and pages alike
About how broken is beautiful
And how you can only make a mosaic if you start with pieces
And that's still true.
I still believe that beauty can come from the pain inside

But I'm tired of being broken.

I'm tired of the way people look at you when you have missing pieces
So condescending, looking down their noses as though they are any better
Judgment blocking vision, the log obscuring the splinter
'Just pull yourself together!' 'Cheer up!' 'Smile like you mean it!'

Can't you see I'm trying?

All you see is the outside, though,
The parts that I'm choosing to let you see
But that's really not all of the story
There is hurt

Here

That you can't see

You can't see the day he put a hand to me
Or the day he screamed in my face.
You don't see the canyon that formed in my soul the day she said those things
Or the way the betrayal, betrayal, betrayal Ah.
Soaked in beneath my skin

Yours may be thick, but mine is not.

You can't see the struggle it takes for me to force my legs out from the covers
Every day, every day, every day,
The way food repulses after so long because calories equal fat cells
Right?
I kept it all to myself for a long, long, time.
I fought with no one helping me at all.
You didn't see that one either.

He betrayed me. Of all the people in the world, it wasn't supposed to be him.
But it was.

You can't see the way fear that stretched over years with no reprieve
Put a lot of wear on this heart of mine
Or the way that people only saw me when something went wrong.
You can't see the muddy footprints that I've traced a billion times each
Left by all of those people who just walked away

Why did they walk away? What did I do wrong?

You don't see the millions of stitch marks from where I've patched
The clumsily scotch-taped, elmer's glued, band-aid coated thing
Lying beneath my rib cage, aching with each measured pulse

You don't see that. You don't.

You just see the half-hearted smile
The thin line I put all of my effort into turning into crescent moon
Just so that you won't think I'm so empty
And most of the time, you believe me
Or at least pretend to so you don't have to ask questions
But you still see my eyes

Can't you see me screaming?

I'm tired of being broken
And I'm trying to move toward piecing this heart back together again
Sweeping shards of glass to be puzzle-pieced together
It just takes time, though.

It takes moment after moment,
Peeling back the temporarily fixed layers
Exposing the rawness of the ache that still exists
Yes, even after this long,
And it takes courage.

You can't see that either.

But just because you see it,
Doesn't mean it isn't real
Isn't true.

I'm full of missing pieces,
But I'm learning to fit together new ones
Learning to let the light in where holes still remain

Let this heartbeat flowing through my fingers
Match my pulse with yours

Take my hand
Brokenness transforming, finding how to be filled once again
Come, I'll show you
But you'll have to open your eyes, accept your place

Because with all the judgment clouding your lens to the world,

You can't see that.

-S.

I am not a writer.

I am not a writer.

But, I do long to reach deep into the chasm of my soul and grasp the tiny shards and bring them to life. I look hard for the pretty ones but sometimes, the sun shines best on the pieces with the exposed edges, the ones that I dread bringing forth. I want to hold your hand, I want you to understand that I care deeply, achingly for you. I crave for you to listen deep, listen wide, grasp tight to the hand that holds us both. Oh, my heart aches for you, my sweet one. For us. For you see, we do this together, this life. I shudder at the word. Excited nerves shiver down lengths of vertebrae, but also frightening black edges crowd in around the fireworks. The salty sweetness, the bitterness mixed with the depths of joy. The daisy petals and the crackling leaves. Oh, it's beautiful. The ocean full of experience and though we marvel, though we see at a distance, we long to be caught up in the waves.

There are so many things to say to you. So many words to link together and spin into beautiful gowns of sentences that take your breath away as they fall from lips like shooting stars. But oh how they stick. My gowns have missing stitches and holes and pieces of dust woven in. I apologize if it takes from the beauty of it all. My throat is full of ideas and thoughts and things you need to know and my fingers cannot find these keys fast enough. I want to tell you that you are brave and strong and beautiful and that there are galaxies inside of every inch of you and if you open your heart it is true that the love there will escape from you but it is through that hole that light will flood in and that love that you let go will find the crack that formed when her dad walked away when she was seven and though you don't even know her name you helped her on her journey. And if you let people, they can mend your cracks too. I want you to know that you are made of stars and the sea and that the nervous nail-biting four-year-old that lives in your heart is perfectly normal and acceptable and that as you grow older you merely gain numbers, not lose the previous ones. So really, you are 8 and 7 and 6 and 5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 all wrapped up in 9. Like a tree you add layer after layer and some layers show storms and others show drought but goodness how beyond beautiful you are. Inhaling with arching spine, oak trunk withstanding the hurricane, holding safe memory and life. That's something that people forget to tell you. Four-year-old you will always exist and sometimes it is completely and totally fine to go visit them.

I want to sit across from you, coffee in hand, and tell you about mistakes and heartbreaks and broken promises and destroyed friendships and how time has a way of changing things but that doesn't make memories less beautiful, and if you let it, time will eventually change the pain too. I want to peel back the layers and show you that I understand your pain and though I cannot heal, I can hold, and if you let me I promise you I will hold on as tightly as you need me to. I want to tell you that it's completely okay to love him. Love him for as long and as deeply as you want to. This life is going to be what you make it and no one else can choose the steps that you will take. That can be terrifying and exhilarating. But trust me when I say that taking steps is worth it. Even the ones that lead you in a different direction than you had planned. Especially those. Take them and embrace them. Fling wide your arms and leap. Even if it is over a puddle. I want you to know that holding on is okay. Keeping things clenched tight in your fists is fine. This is the exact opposite of what you have heard your entire life and I am well aware but I want you to hear me out. I want you to relax in your comfy chair opposite mine with this fireplace between us and I want you to get lost in thought for a moment as you count the things you know you are holding on to. Keep them. Hold tight and squeeze until your knuckles are the color of the snow falling outside our window. Just know that it can't be a permanent situation. But trust your timing. When you are ready, you will release them. And often, you won't even remember doing so, and when you look back to find where you dropped it, the horizon will have swallowed it whole. Those are some of the most glorious moments. Don't forget to cherish those. Bask in those sunsets that throw beauty over things left behind, and look forward into the horizon of tomorrow's sunrise as you continue.

And you must continue. That is most important of all. You must keep going, stretching, growing, learning, moving. Never stop being excited by the things that surround you as you move through this glorious day. And then tomorrow, renew that excitement again. And again. And again. Let it be new. Let it be amazing. Let yourself bubble over with giddiness and dance around your kitchen making breakfast. Giggle, even when no one else is in the room to hear you. Play music and wear that perfume you've been saving. I want to tell you to look people in the face when you meet them. Let them see your smile, and always assure that your eyes hold tenderness. Be genuine. Cross your fingers for luck and wish on stars if that is what you want to do. Don't let anyone tell you that part of you, or any part of you for that matter, is wrong. When you are hurt, do not be afraid to let the tears spill over and do not hide. Take the hand that is offered to you. The human heart longs for goodness, and helping another is a joy you rob someone of every time you turn from them. Let them be a shoulder for the tears and deep, deep breaths. The time will come to pay that forward, and you will understand. Always seek advice from those around you, for everyone you will ever meet in your life will know something that you do not. Do not ever forget that, either.

When you get bored, draw a monster. Then ask yourself over and over, what makes this a monster? Find the monsters under your bed and in your closet and get to know them. Find out who they are and where they come from and one day, they may not seem quite so frightening. Make lists, make goals, and strive to be the person that you want to be. One inching step in the right direction is a thousand times better than a leap in the wrong one. I want you to take too many pictures and do the thing you have always longed to do. You will not regret that. But you may regret it if you do not. Chase your dreams and believe in yourself. Give yourself grace and grace and then, more grace. God does not withhold it so neither should you. Learn to be brave enough to start over. And over. And over. Make yourself, you were born to create.

I want to tell you so many things but if I have learned anything while I have been placing fingerprints on this planet it is this: that words fail. When the pain cuts deep and when the joy is overflowing, words fail. They fail over and over and over. But string them together anyway. String them together like clumsy toddler fingers and wooden beaded necklaces. Always place a knot between them because that way when something breaks, and it inevitably will, the whole thing doesn't unravel. String together those small moments and I promise you that it will overwhelm the bad things. Make that strand count for more than the bad things and take the day for what it is: the only guarantee you have. Treat it like it is your first, and your last. And then, my love, then you will experience life in an entirely new way.

I long to cup your sweet face in my hands and lean in close. Even if I say nothing else, if all you remember from our time together is one thing, I want to look in your eyes and tell you this: I want you to know that you are valued, wonderful, and entirely whole precisely as you are in this very second of time that we occupy together. Always be humble in gratitude and bless others by the armful. People are worth it, and no matter what happens, love will always win. Always.

For you, with all the love I can hold.
-S.

The best, and Grace for the rest.

"I'm just doing the best I can..."

Gracious, I've said that a lot lately.
I know, sweet girl. I know you are. I think most of the time, we all are. We're just doing the best that we can in that moment. I've learned that being alive and living are two very different things. And there's a small gap between the two that I often feel myself sticking in like my toe in the just slightly too wide gap of the concrete below my feet. Being alive is feeling like you are always on the wrong side of that sidewalk crack. Being alive is feeling as though you are not (insert adjective here) enough so you must keep pushing, pushing, pushing.  But please, dear one, listen to me and I need for you to listen to me and not just hear these words; please let this sink into the very deepest stitches of your heart and know this: you are enough. You are enough exactly in the space that you occupy in this moment. I know that it feels like you should be doing more, being more, acting more, and you're worried that you aren't but you feel like you're doing the best that you can... and that's because that's all you really can do, darling. Don't forget to give yourself some grace. You deserve it. You have done the best you can, be that creating a new chemical formula to help one eyed dogs or getting out of bed and making a piece of toast successfully, and if I could reach through this screen and squeeze you and give you a medal for doing just that I definitely would. Just look at you go. You're amazing.

Giving grace to myself has been a lesson that I have been humbly facing a lot lately. There have been some major mess-ups along the way, don't get me wrong. I've done some things I most certainly regret having done; I've been places I do not wish to go back to whatsoever. But, really, haven't we all? And when I last cracked open my Bible, it told me that Jesus came to save the broken. He came for those who were shattered into so many pieces they saw no point in hoping to ever be whole again. He came for the ones who feel like they are completely lost in a sea of things that don't make any sense at all. He came for the sick, the lost, the mocked, the helpless, the hopeless, the wronged and the wrongdoer. Jesus came for them, and he came for you. And me. And when I look into that, I really can't seem to see much else. I sit at the base of a mountain sculpted in grace just waiting for me to ask for a pebble sized bit to cover what I've done, where I've been, who I am. And so many times, I choose to try and walk away from it. I choose to wallow in the valley of hopelessness when the peaks of grace are literally sitting in rings around me. But I'm too busy trying to grow a flower with the salt-water falling from my eyes. If I would just look up. Come, love. Come and just. look. up.

Take a step back from where you are at today. Look up from the ground below you and see the dazzling beauty waiting just ahead. Focus on your image, the one traced with the fingerprints of a God who never leaves you, and take look in the mirror and give yourself the grace that He is longing to lavish on you. He knows that you're broken and messy and feel useless. But he sees the masterpiece hiding inside the mess. Let him hold you; let him show you what He has for you.

"I'm just doing the best I can..."

He knows, dear one. He knows and he could not be prouder of you. And neither could I.

Holding you close. 

-S.

Dear 13 Year Old Me,

Dear 13 Year Old Me,

I want you to know, first, how proud I am of you. You are right in the very middle of some really tough years and you are living them out like a champion. I know you don't think you are, but trust me, you'll see in a few years. You're doing better than you think you are.

I think if I could tell you anything, it would be to please live your life to the absolute fullest you possibly can. Drink in every single second. Do something impulsive. Feel regret, joy, fear, pain, sadness, loss, acceptance... it doesn't really matter much, just feel. You will never feel the same way that you do right now ever again. You'll never know this exact much about the world. You'll never see through this exact lens. You'll never get to go back to this moment, so please make it count. Make it count and live like life is ice cream with a cherry on top because it is. This life is gorgeous and wonderful and it can take you from mountaintop to valley in record time, but the opposite is also true, and we are lucky enough to experience it all. Don't take that for granted, sweet girl. Live.

Pay attention to what your teachers are telling you. They are trying to teach you about more than math, and you'll catch that if you just listen. They're really teaching you about life. Read those books that they are assigning to you, too. Some of them will capture your attention in a way you haven't experienced before, and that's going to change your life. Do the assignments that seem silly, because they're fun to look back on later, and they'll bond you to the friends that you have made during this time.

That's another thing. Make those friends. Cling to the moments you have together, because they are going to pass really quickly. You'll be going separate directions in the world before you know it. And some of these people are going to walk in the same direction as you. But many won't. And that's okay, too. Stick to who you are, and you'll find that you have some phenomenal people who stick on that road with you. But accept that it won't be everyone. People are going to let you down... it's just the nature of humanity. But you get to choose whether or not you give them the chance to do it again. And there are some that are definitely worth that chance. And others that aren't. You decide. And if you pick wrong, and someone hurts you again, know that you'll be okay. You're stronger than you will think you are in those moments. Your mom tells you all the time that "true friends are few and far between". She's right. She's really always right. The faster you accept that and listen to her advice, the better off you'll be. She will help you avoid a lot of big mistakes.

Be careful who you share your heart with, but do share it. You have a lot to offer the world. And you're going to waste time sitting across from people who love you and are trying to help you with a tight-lipped expression refusing to talk about the ache that sits deep inside of you right now. I know you're feeling it. Don't hold on to it anymore. The day you walk away and leave that weight at the foot of the cross is the most freeing day you've ever experienced. And it will take a few times trying to leave it, but ultimately picking it up and carrying it out again before you truly let it go. And it won't happen in the place you think... it's not going to be inside those four church walls. At one point, you'll find that you see and feel God more in a dance studio releasing the fullness of who you are while marveling the intricacies of the body you have been given. You'll see God more on street corners in the random acts of kindness than in the pew across the aisle next to you. It's difficult to stick it out through this. But do. You'll never know how important that church family will be to you. And I know you want everyone to like you, but don't become their doormat. Stick up for yourself. Don't let yourself be pushed down into being silent. Your voice is small right now, but my dear, it matters. It matters.

Go to West Virginia. But be prepared, you're going to leave your heart there every single year for at least the next 7 years. But that makes going back that much sweeter, you see. Your heart finally reconnects with home.

Fall in love. And fall out of love. And fall in love again. And swear off love just to have it surprise you in this crazy unexpected way. You're going to experience heartbreak and it's not going to be easy all the time. But please, please fall in love anyway. Because loving is absolutely, 100%, entirely worth the risk. You'll learn that life is a lot like a baseball game and that you cannot let the fear of striking out keep you from getting up to bat. Because there will be those moments where you see the bat collide with red seams right on the sweet spot, and you'll watch in awe as the orb you just launched into space clears the fence that seems to be a million miles away. Your dad has taught you baseball your whole life. Lean into it. Let the safety of 9 innings make you smile and take you back to sticky cotton candy fingers, sunburned shoulders, and seventh-inning stretches.

Learn how to be alone. Learn what the beat of your own heart sounds like. Make sure that, when the rest of the crowd fades away, you like who you are left alone with. If you can't ever find comfort in the solitude of being alone, then you may just be in poor company. Start back over.  Create the person that you've always wanted to be. She's in there, you just have to figure out how to let her shine through. Everyone's just looking for a place in the world. You'll see that more and more as you continue to grow. Some people find their places in bottles and others in the arms of someone they claim to be madly in love with. But, please listen to me: You cannot make homes out of human beings. Let that sink in now and save yourself some deep pain later. Your place cannot be inside of someone else. You create that place. You are that place. Recognize that.

Take chances. Jump in puddles and giggle when the water completely soaks you from the waist down. Eat ice cream straight out of the carton while watching a movie marathon with your best friend. Don't count the calories that night. I promise, the memory will be totally worth every single fat cell you think you'll gain. Know that it's okay to call someone at 2am if your heart is aching, because you'll probably receive those phone calls too. And you don't mind it either. Bake and make art and burn bagel bites in the microwave and wonder how you're ever going to make it on your own. Know, though, in those moments, that you're going to be okay.

Don't take things too seriously. There's always tomorrow. And then the next day. And you get to pick your beginning. Be brave enough to start over. And over. And over. You truly are so brave and strong and smart and you're going to surprise yourself with what you can make it through. You're going to let yourself down. You'll do some of the things you swear right now that you never will. To be honest, you'll probably do most of them. You'll mess up relationships and you'll hurt people and you'll ache for just one more moment to make things right. And that moment isn't going to come. And you're going to be left holding the totally shattered pieces of a heart you thought you could protect. It's okay that you can't. Because you'll find then, too, that you take those shattered pieces and though the process may seem slow at times, you piece them back together. You find the truth at the center of the fact that it takes brokenness to make a mosaic, and that the cracks are the only places where the light can really come in. You'll find that you need to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy. You're a masterpiece that you created yourself. It's a constant flow of progress, but you'll see later how beautiful the view is.

Keep being brave. You've got a pretty awesome life ahead of you. I'm proud of you. Things are definitely looking alright from here. I'll see you before you know it.

-S.

For you, right where you are.

I can't make you believe anything that I have to say. I can't sit you down and force you to let these words enter your mind and sink deep into your heart the way that I wish so desperately that I could.

All I have is this. All I have are these words that spill onto this page like the ink from the octopus as it moves into safety. You're safe. You are here.

I know that things aren't always easy. Believe me, I've been in the 2am moments with tear stains on pillowcases and feeling like your heart is only made of shattered glass and brokenness. I've held my head in my hands and walked through the loneliness that ached so deep I never once thought about making it to the other side of it. But here I am. Right here. Right now. With you. In this beautiful, sacred place where we can both take a moment to breathe deep. I did make it through those days. And though my hands may be bruised, and my shoulders aren't as strong as they once were, I'm still right. here. Let me listen. Let me carry this one for a while.

I want you to know how proud I am of you. It is important that you remember that you are the one who has made it to here. You are the one who felt the tile against your face as you sobbed into the unfeeling floor, and you are the one who picked yourself up and kept moving forward in spite of it all. You are the one who has lived through all that heartache, even the moments when you just knew it would never hurt any less. You are the one who has faced every single fear and right now you have just shattered your personal best in consecutive days alive. And I am so proud of you. You are brave. And strong. And you can do this... this life.

Know that there will be hard days. There really just is no way around that one, I'm sorry to say. There will be days when it seems impossible to keep stepping forward and days when it seems that all of your progress has unraveled. There will be days that bring you to your knees, and days that knock the wind out of you. But those are the days that remind you how to be thankful on the days when you are standing. And you can stand. You have the ability to hold your own on your very two feet. Just take a second and look back. Look at how many moments that have led to now that you have been brave enough to do just that. You've carried yourself here, step after step after step. And on the days where it seems the sun has stopped shining, when the darkness washes over you like a too-tall wave, please know that I'm right here. Take my hand. Let me remind you that it is in those moments that the world can most brightly see the astonishing light of your very being.

I know this world has let you down. I know that people have abused your tired soul. I know that you think that it really can't all be worth it, but believe me dear when I tell you that absolutely, without a doubt, living is worth every sweet second. You may not get to choose where you come from. You can't go back and change the way that things have happened until now. But it is never, ever too late to begin again. Start over if that is what you need. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that today is the first day of the rest of your whole life. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet people and people will gracefully exit the place that they now hold in your life, but do not mistake this for being a bad thing. Life comes in seasons, the same way the years do. They will take your breath away, these years. You have earned the right to see them through. Don't forget that the only constant through these years is you, though. Other people will splice through the line that is your time here, but you are the only constant. You are the one who has to live with the person that you are creating every moment. So stay true to who you are. Love yourself. I know how much easier that was for me to type than for you to imagine actually being able to do, but it can happen. Just give it a chance. Don't become someone else for a person whose timeline merely intersects with yours.

I think the truth is that sometimes, you just have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.
And the breaking doesn't feel all that wonderful and sometimes the shards of glass can feel like a knife carving away parts of you that you were sure you needed but know that the only way to make a mosaic is to begin with the broken pieces. And, oh, the masterpiece I see in you. Just wait. Hold on because I can guarantee that one day, you'll see it too. You're stunning, my dear.

And of what I've borrowed from both science and poetry, I know this:
When stars are created, there first must be an explosion, and a gaseous nebula must collapse.
Collapse.
A catastrophe in the beginning turns into someone's granted wish.
Know that this is not the end for you.
This is not your destruction.
This is the beginning.

You have so much to offer this world.
Keep your chin up, darling... if not, the crown falls.
I believe in you.

-S.

Today.

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale.

Come. Sit. Be.

It seems like life is always in constant motion, doesn't it? Like we can't seem to get to the next thing fast enough. We are constantly doing this and then that and the other thing and don't forget about the thing that one person asked you to do and you said yes because they really needed you...

Right? Constant motion. And it isn't that they are bad things that we are moving to and from. Not at all. We are moving from jobs and school and time with family and friends. We are moving to conversations and picnics and cooking dinners and exercise and sunsets. They're all good things. It's just that there are a lot of them.

Breathe.
Come. Sit. Be.

Come, dear one. Come and rest. Come and take a sweet moment to center yourself. Find the quiet space in you that does not fight to the top, but waits patiently for you to open your heart and let it fill you with peace. Come and rest. Come, be here with me in this moment.

The more I live every day, I understand that life is not about finding moments of quiet rest, but creating them. Take the time to bring yourself to be fully present precisely where you are. Each second is ticking by and we are moving through the only life we have. We worry about tomorrow's agenda and miss the shooting stars. We stress about the next pay check and we forget to listen to the breeze that is longing to run its fingers through your hair, the earth that is longing to feel the soles of your feet. We miss the sweet melody of raindrops and the dance of the clouds across the skies. These are the moments that life is made of... a string, moment added to moment added to moment. Breathe them in, dear, for they are slipping, slipping, slipping.

Find those wells of peace that exist within the moments you are given. When you begin looking, you see them more and more, I promise. You will find that life will fill you with small surprises that, when they are strung together, make a necklace far more beautiful and longer lasting than the bad things that come our way. Savor the unexpected smiles, the sunrise that means another chance; go put the star in staring over. Dip your feet in the ocean... even if it is the pond on the sidewalk. Splash and act like the four-year-old that lives inside of you. Let yourself have that moment. Sit in a cozy chair by a window and read your favorite book in the entire world. People-watch and sip your coffee as slowly as you want to. Soak in the rays of sunshine as they illuminate the creases that worry has left behind. Relax and watch those lines fade. Sing a song, dance around your living room, close your eyes and stop in the middle of a crowd and know that this moment... this one you are living right now... this moment is yours. And no one can take it from you. This second is the sweetest of gifts left especially for you to discover. So go. Experience it. Soak it in through your pores. Inhale. Exhale. Let this glorious moment fill your lungs to bursting.

When you start living like that, life starts to feel more and more like a love song.

You start to believe that maybe, just maybe, they weren't so wrong when they told you how beautiful the world was. And that, when you get down to it, people can be really, really good.

I know that so many things have let you down. But stick with me. We'll make it.

There's beauty in the chaos.


Breathe.
Be.

-S.

Believe in Beautiful.

Our world is obsessed with mirrors. They are literally everywhere we turn and if you are anything like me, you almost feel obligated to look into one every time you pass by. And if it isn't a mirror, it's an add. They are on the sides of bus stops and billboards every hundred yards as we pass on the interstate and even in restaurant menus. We are constantly being bombarded with images, both of ourselves and of these 'ideal' celebrities and models, and it's only natural that we begin to compare the two. People are constantly looking in mirrors and a vast majority will tell you that they are dissatisfied with what they see. I really want to change that.

Body image issues are a thing that plague the world around us in a very real way. Everyone is constantly assaulted with images of things and people that they are supposed to find desirable. And when the image they see reflecting back at them as they pass a store window doesn't match up with the image on the billboard, then people start to believe that they are not good enough. And that assumption goes far deeper than that of physical appearance.

People are literally dying to be thin.

There has been a very dramatic shift in our society lately that has changed the way that the media portrays the sizes of women.  Between 1950 and 1990, the average hip size of a woman's mannequin went from 34 inches to 31 inches, while the average size of the actual waistline of women went from 34 to 37. Models are often several inches taller and many pounds lighter than the average female, and also many of them have a BMI within the range of anorexia. 90% of women overestimate their body size, 4 out of 5 are dissatisfied with their body size, and 80% of women say that the images that they see in the media make them feel insecure. These numbers are terrifying and are really only getting worse.

I have struggled with body image issues for quite some time. I have been highly dissatisfied with my body before, and I have struggled to change it and conform to the image of what I thought I was supposed to look like. I dieted, exercised excessively, and was extremely unhealthy. It was not a glamorous life, that is for sure. I hated myself every single time I looked in the mirror. I felt worthless, useless, and very much like a burden. Changing that way of thinking is something I still have to actively decide to do every single day. I read once that "if a mirror ever makes you sad, you should know that it does not know you.". That really, really hit home for me. The way I looked on the outside was really not who I am. There were a few other quotes that hit home for me as well:

"Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', boring', or 'cruel'? Not to me."-J.K. Rowling

"You are a soul. You are a mind. You are not fat. You have fat. You also have fingernails, but you aren't fingernails, are you? You have hair, but you aren't hair, are you? You have fat, but you are not fat. You are beautiful."

"It doesn't make sense to call ourselves ugly, because we don't really see ourselves. We don't watch ourselves sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with our own rhythm. We don't see ourselves reading a book, eyes fluttering and glowing. You don't see yourself looking at someone with love and care inside your heart. There's no mirror in your way when you're laughing and smiling and happiness is leaking out of you. You would know exactly how bright and beautiful you are if you saw yourself in the moments where you are truly yourself."

"Take care of yourself. Do it because you love your body, not in order to love it."

All of these, especially that last one, really hit home for me. I was destroying my body and trying to get it to change in severely unproductive ways. I wasn't eating. I was hating and hurting myself which did nothing to help anyone, especially not myself. I had a lot to offer to the world, but I was hiding that while being completely absorbed in picking out the flaws in my body and setting out to change them.

Basically, I get it. I get what it's like to be disgusted with the image that you see in the mirror. I understand how much it hurts when you think of yourself as inadequate and not beautiful and worthless. Let's work on changing that. Together. The first step is changing it for yourself. Believing in yourself and your worth is a moment by moment process that involves you making a conscious decision to love yourself. It's so hard sometimes, especially when it seems that all other sources are telling you otherwise. But it is so true, and it is so worth it. You are worth more than you could ever possibly know. You are a friend and a family member and someone's reason to smile. You are absolutely over the moon wonderful. It's up to you to choose to listen to the sources that reinforce that.

Being healthy is a choice that I have been striving toward lately, and there are many reasons for that. But I won't get into them on this post. What I would like to ask of you is this: Will you join me this week? Just maybe try to change one negative thought into a positive one. Try to change one 'I am so fat' to 'My body does so many things for me, and I am thankful for it'. Just give it a try. You'll be amazed at how it begins to transform the way you think about yourself. Believe in yourself. Believe in beautiful.

All my love,
-S.

Beginnings.

Beginnings have always thrilled me. I love the idea of a fresh day, untarnished space of new time, ready to be filled with whatever you so choose to fill it with. New journals are always exhilarating too. A whole book of empty pages full of promise, waiting for new poems and lists and prose and secrets. I suppose, though, one of the most enticing things about beginnings are that there isn't really a set way to begin. I could write you a poem. Or I could just jump right in with a hard-hitting piece on some big topic. But it's my choice. And that's pretty cool. I mean, sure, there are useful hints, norms that most seem to follow. But I guess I can't really get this wrong, right?

I'm very excited to begin this blog. I've had a lot of new beginnings recently, and so this seems to fit right in. I want to tell you a little about myself, and what all this blog is (hopefully!) going to be!

My name is Sarah. I am a sophomore at Appalachian State, and I wouldn't trade my life for anything! I am just about as messy as they come and goodness knows I have messed up more than my fair share. But I am saved by grace and a God who never gives up on me, even when I feel like I'm literally running in the opposite direction. I am really into fitness (this is a recent development, friends, so I am still learning!), dancing, music, photography, owls, nutella, and poetry! I am an Elementary Education major with a double minor in Special Education and English. I'm also an aspiring writer, so what better way to practice than by blogging, right? I have had a different blog for a while now, but like I said, I love beginnings. Right now, it's just time for a fresh start in my life.

I'm not really quite sure what else to tell you! I'm in the middle of some big changes in my life, and I am an avid supporter of being who you are. And knowing that the definition of you may very well change over and over and over. And that's okay. If there is anything that I have learned in my short 19 years of leaving fingerprints on this planet, and if you never hear anything else that I have to say, please remember this: You are under no obligation to be the same person that you were five minutes ago. Always chase your dreams, do something that matters, and remember that love always wins. Life is about stringing together the little things and making them count for more than the bad stuff, and never be afraid of being brave enough to start over.

Our time here is limited, but let's make it beautiful. Will you join me?

All my love,
-S.