Dear 13 Year Old Me,

Dear 13 Year Old Me,

I want you to know, first, how proud I am of you. You are right in the very middle of some really tough years and you are living them out like a champion. I know you don't think you are, but trust me, you'll see in a few years. You're doing better than you think you are.

I think if I could tell you anything, it would be to please live your life to the absolute fullest you possibly can. Drink in every single second. Do something impulsive. Feel regret, joy, fear, pain, sadness, loss, acceptance... it doesn't really matter much, just feel. You will never feel the same way that you do right now ever again. You'll never know this exact much about the world. You'll never see through this exact lens. You'll never get to go back to this moment, so please make it count. Make it count and live like life is ice cream with a cherry on top because it is. This life is gorgeous and wonderful and it can take you from mountaintop to valley in record time, but the opposite is also true, and we are lucky enough to experience it all. Don't take that for granted, sweet girl. Live.

Pay attention to what your teachers are telling you. They are trying to teach you about more than math, and you'll catch that if you just listen. They're really teaching you about life. Read those books that they are assigning to you, too. Some of them will capture your attention in a way you haven't experienced before, and that's going to change your life. Do the assignments that seem silly, because they're fun to look back on later, and they'll bond you to the friends that you have made during this time.

That's another thing. Make those friends. Cling to the moments you have together, because they are going to pass really quickly. You'll be going separate directions in the world before you know it. And some of these people are going to walk in the same direction as you. But many won't. And that's okay, too. Stick to who you are, and you'll find that you have some phenomenal people who stick on that road with you. But accept that it won't be everyone. People are going to let you down... it's just the nature of humanity. But you get to choose whether or not you give them the chance to do it again. And there are some that are definitely worth that chance. And others that aren't. You decide. And if you pick wrong, and someone hurts you again, know that you'll be okay. You're stronger than you will think you are in those moments. Your mom tells you all the time that "true friends are few and far between". She's right. She's really always right. The faster you accept that and listen to her advice, the better off you'll be. She will help you avoid a lot of big mistakes.

Be careful who you share your heart with, but do share it. You have a lot to offer the world. And you're going to waste time sitting across from people who love you and are trying to help you with a tight-lipped expression refusing to talk about the ache that sits deep inside of you right now. I know you're feeling it. Don't hold on to it anymore. The day you walk away and leave that weight at the foot of the cross is the most freeing day you've ever experienced. And it will take a few times trying to leave it, but ultimately picking it up and carrying it out again before you truly let it go. And it won't happen in the place you think... it's not going to be inside those four church walls. At one point, you'll find that you see and feel God more in a dance studio releasing the fullness of who you are while marveling the intricacies of the body you have been given. You'll see God more on street corners in the random acts of kindness than in the pew across the aisle next to you. It's difficult to stick it out through this. But do. You'll never know how important that church family will be to you. And I know you want everyone to like you, but don't become their doormat. Stick up for yourself. Don't let yourself be pushed down into being silent. Your voice is small right now, but my dear, it matters. It matters.

Go to West Virginia. But be prepared, you're going to leave your heart there every single year for at least the next 7 years. But that makes going back that much sweeter, you see. Your heart finally reconnects with home.

Fall in love. And fall out of love. And fall in love again. And swear off love just to have it surprise you in this crazy unexpected way. You're going to experience heartbreak and it's not going to be easy all the time. But please, please fall in love anyway. Because loving is absolutely, 100%, entirely worth the risk. You'll learn that life is a lot like a baseball game and that you cannot let the fear of striking out keep you from getting up to bat. Because there will be those moments where you see the bat collide with red seams right on the sweet spot, and you'll watch in awe as the orb you just launched into space clears the fence that seems to be a million miles away. Your dad has taught you baseball your whole life. Lean into it. Let the safety of 9 innings make you smile and take you back to sticky cotton candy fingers, sunburned shoulders, and seventh-inning stretches.

Learn how to be alone. Learn what the beat of your own heart sounds like. Make sure that, when the rest of the crowd fades away, you like who you are left alone with. If you can't ever find comfort in the solitude of being alone, then you may just be in poor company. Start back over.  Create the person that you've always wanted to be. She's in there, you just have to figure out how to let her shine through. Everyone's just looking for a place in the world. You'll see that more and more as you continue to grow. Some people find their places in bottles and others in the arms of someone they claim to be madly in love with. But, please listen to me: You cannot make homes out of human beings. Let that sink in now and save yourself some deep pain later. Your place cannot be inside of someone else. You create that place. You are that place. Recognize that.

Take chances. Jump in puddles and giggle when the water completely soaks you from the waist down. Eat ice cream straight out of the carton while watching a movie marathon with your best friend. Don't count the calories that night. I promise, the memory will be totally worth every single fat cell you think you'll gain. Know that it's okay to call someone at 2am if your heart is aching, because you'll probably receive those phone calls too. And you don't mind it either. Bake and make art and burn bagel bites in the microwave and wonder how you're ever going to make it on your own. Know, though, in those moments, that you're going to be okay.

Don't take things too seriously. There's always tomorrow. And then the next day. And you get to pick your beginning. Be brave enough to start over. And over. And over. You truly are so brave and strong and smart and you're going to surprise yourself with what you can make it through. You're going to let yourself down. You'll do some of the things you swear right now that you never will. To be honest, you'll probably do most of them. You'll mess up relationships and you'll hurt people and you'll ache for just one more moment to make things right. And that moment isn't going to come. And you're going to be left holding the totally shattered pieces of a heart you thought you could protect. It's okay that you can't. Because you'll find then, too, that you take those shattered pieces and though the process may seem slow at times, you piece them back together. You find the truth at the center of the fact that it takes brokenness to make a mosaic, and that the cracks are the only places where the light can really come in. You'll find that you need to let things go, simply for the reason that they are heavy. You're a masterpiece that you created yourself. It's a constant flow of progress, but you'll see later how beautiful the view is.

Keep being brave. You've got a pretty awesome life ahead of you. I'm proud of you. Things are definitely looking alright from here. I'll see you before you know it.

-S.

For you, right where you are.

I can't make you believe anything that I have to say. I can't sit you down and force you to let these words enter your mind and sink deep into your heart the way that I wish so desperately that I could.

All I have is this. All I have are these words that spill onto this page like the ink from the octopus as it moves into safety. You're safe. You are here.

I know that things aren't always easy. Believe me, I've been in the 2am moments with tear stains on pillowcases and feeling like your heart is only made of shattered glass and brokenness. I've held my head in my hands and walked through the loneliness that ached so deep I never once thought about making it to the other side of it. But here I am. Right here. Right now. With you. In this beautiful, sacred place where we can both take a moment to breathe deep. I did make it through those days. And though my hands may be bruised, and my shoulders aren't as strong as they once were, I'm still right. here. Let me listen. Let me carry this one for a while.

I want you to know how proud I am of you. It is important that you remember that you are the one who has made it to here. You are the one who felt the tile against your face as you sobbed into the unfeeling floor, and you are the one who picked yourself up and kept moving forward in spite of it all. You are the one who has lived through all that heartache, even the moments when you just knew it would never hurt any less. You are the one who has faced every single fear and right now you have just shattered your personal best in consecutive days alive. And I am so proud of you. You are brave. And strong. And you can do this... this life.

Know that there will be hard days. There really just is no way around that one, I'm sorry to say. There will be days when it seems impossible to keep stepping forward and days when it seems that all of your progress has unraveled. There will be days that bring you to your knees, and days that knock the wind out of you. But those are the days that remind you how to be thankful on the days when you are standing. And you can stand. You have the ability to hold your own on your very two feet. Just take a second and look back. Look at how many moments that have led to now that you have been brave enough to do just that. You've carried yourself here, step after step after step. And on the days where it seems the sun has stopped shining, when the darkness washes over you like a too-tall wave, please know that I'm right here. Take my hand. Let me remind you that it is in those moments that the world can most brightly see the astonishing light of your very being.

I know this world has let you down. I know that people have abused your tired soul. I know that you think that it really can't all be worth it, but believe me dear when I tell you that absolutely, without a doubt, living is worth every sweet second. You may not get to choose where you come from. You can't go back and change the way that things have happened until now. But it is never, ever too late to begin again. Start over if that is what you need. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that today is the first day of the rest of your whole life. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will meet people and people will gracefully exit the place that they now hold in your life, but do not mistake this for being a bad thing. Life comes in seasons, the same way the years do. They will take your breath away, these years. You have earned the right to see them through. Don't forget that the only constant through these years is you, though. Other people will splice through the line that is your time here, but you are the only constant. You are the one who has to live with the person that you are creating every moment. So stay true to who you are. Love yourself. I know how much easier that was for me to type than for you to imagine actually being able to do, but it can happen. Just give it a chance. Don't become someone else for a person whose timeline merely intersects with yours.

I think the truth is that sometimes, you just have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.
And the breaking doesn't feel all that wonderful and sometimes the shards of glass can feel like a knife carving away parts of you that you were sure you needed but know that the only way to make a mosaic is to begin with the broken pieces. And, oh, the masterpiece I see in you. Just wait. Hold on because I can guarantee that one day, you'll see it too. You're stunning, my dear.

And of what I've borrowed from both science and poetry, I know this:
When stars are created, there first must be an explosion, and a gaseous nebula must collapse.
Collapse.
A catastrophe in the beginning turns into someone's granted wish.
Know that this is not the end for you.
This is not your destruction.
This is the beginning.

You have so much to offer this world.
Keep your chin up, darling... if not, the crown falls.
I believe in you.

-S.

Today.

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Close your eyes. Inhale. Exhale.

Come. Sit. Be.

It seems like life is always in constant motion, doesn't it? Like we can't seem to get to the next thing fast enough. We are constantly doing this and then that and the other thing and don't forget about the thing that one person asked you to do and you said yes because they really needed you...

Right? Constant motion. And it isn't that they are bad things that we are moving to and from. Not at all. We are moving from jobs and school and time with family and friends. We are moving to conversations and picnics and cooking dinners and exercise and sunsets. They're all good things. It's just that there are a lot of them.

Breathe.
Come. Sit. Be.

Come, dear one. Come and rest. Come and take a sweet moment to center yourself. Find the quiet space in you that does not fight to the top, but waits patiently for you to open your heart and let it fill you with peace. Come and rest. Come, be here with me in this moment.

The more I live every day, I understand that life is not about finding moments of quiet rest, but creating them. Take the time to bring yourself to be fully present precisely where you are. Each second is ticking by and we are moving through the only life we have. We worry about tomorrow's agenda and miss the shooting stars. We stress about the next pay check and we forget to listen to the breeze that is longing to run its fingers through your hair, the earth that is longing to feel the soles of your feet. We miss the sweet melody of raindrops and the dance of the clouds across the skies. These are the moments that life is made of... a string, moment added to moment added to moment. Breathe them in, dear, for they are slipping, slipping, slipping.

Find those wells of peace that exist within the moments you are given. When you begin looking, you see them more and more, I promise. You will find that life will fill you with small surprises that, when they are strung together, make a necklace far more beautiful and longer lasting than the bad things that come our way. Savor the unexpected smiles, the sunrise that means another chance; go put the star in staring over. Dip your feet in the ocean... even if it is the pond on the sidewalk. Splash and act like the four-year-old that lives inside of you. Let yourself have that moment. Sit in a cozy chair by a window and read your favorite book in the entire world. People-watch and sip your coffee as slowly as you want to. Soak in the rays of sunshine as they illuminate the creases that worry has left behind. Relax and watch those lines fade. Sing a song, dance around your living room, close your eyes and stop in the middle of a crowd and know that this moment... this one you are living right now... this moment is yours. And no one can take it from you. This second is the sweetest of gifts left especially for you to discover. So go. Experience it. Soak it in through your pores. Inhale. Exhale. Let this glorious moment fill your lungs to bursting.

When you start living like that, life starts to feel more and more like a love song.

You start to believe that maybe, just maybe, they weren't so wrong when they told you how beautiful the world was. And that, when you get down to it, people can be really, really good.

I know that so many things have let you down. But stick with me. We'll make it.

There's beauty in the chaos.


Breathe.
Be.

-S.