Clearly, I am not great at keeping a consistent string of posts on this blog. It is fun, however, to look back on old posts and see how I have grown and changed through the past. I am going to try to be better about keeping up with this, but there are really no guarantees. I'm learning to be okay with that, though, and to accept that sometimes, some effort is enough.
I turned 22 a week ago. So, clearly, the past few days have been spent eating far too much, celebrating with many of the greatest people, laughing a lot, and listening to Taylor Swift on repeat. It's been pretty much perfect. But birthdays always make me think, too. I think about the past year and what I've learned. I think about the year to come and what I want it to look like when 365 more days have passed. I love/cringe when I look back to goals I set and things I thought I knew when I wrote posts at age 15 (my first Taylor Swift year, I might add). I like to think that at 29, I'll have the same reaction to things I will write now. So, here it is: 22 Things I'm Learning at Age 22.
1. Change is hard. Growing is hard. My 21st year brought many big moments in my little corner of the world. I wrapped up my final year living in Boone as a student at Appalachian and moved back home, I watched my sister graduate from high school, I made it through my Block 2 semester while working, and I completed and passed my licensure exams. I lived 294 days without my sweet Nana. I had my heart shattered. I'm slowly but surely learning that becoming the person that I am meant to be involves being uncomfortable. I'm also learning how to lean into that discomfort. I am not great at this yet, but I don't know too many people that are. I'm learning to accept heartbreak as a vital part of the human experience. Without experiencing heartbreak, you have no way to connect with those who are experiencing the same thing. Empathy, both the giving and receiving of, is one of the most treasured parts of being human. So though I would give anything to be able to hear Nana crack another joke, or wish that circumstances had been less of a challenge at certain times, I know for a fact that I have grown. I have proven to myself that I, too, am capable of making it through the tough stuff.
2. Loving people is worth it. Every single second of every single day. Even, and especially, when it is hard and when it hurts. Loving people is the hardest thing that I've signed up to do. Love brings with it vulnerability and a wide open space for potential hurt. But it is worth it. The sweetest connections involve true and unconditional love. People are flawed. We mess up and we hurt one another. But we are also capable of so much good. We can hug and wipe away tears. We can pray when our words are simply not the comfort that is needed. When we let people in and embrace each other in the mountains and in the valleys, we connect. We see our value. We truly live out the human experience. Love is digging in when the going gets tough. It is refusing to leave someones' side just because that would be the easy thing to do. Love is showing up, day after day, knowing that the fact that the person in front of you is human makes them worthy of that love. Yes, truly loving people is hard. But the sweetness far outweighs the consequences.
3. Prepare your lunches on Sundays. Meal prep has saved my mornings from being quite so frazzled, which also means that my mood is significantly improved. My nutrition is also improved as I do not have to rush and make a PB&J for the fifth day in a row. I think that this extends beyond just meal preparation, though. I'm learning that completing tasks up front rather than procrastinating is a much more effective way to live life. My stress level is significantly lower when I front-load, anyway.
4. Even so, it is well with my soul. This song was sung at my grandmother's funeral. It's always been one of my favorites, but in that moment, I truly listened to what was being said.
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul."
I'm learning that life is going to knock me down. This song was written after the composer had lost his young son to illness, his real estate investments in the Great Chicago Fire, and his 4 daughters on a boat trip to Europe. My struggles seem so insignificant compared to these. I'm learning to let these words seep into the deepest parts of me and to live truly knowing that in peace or in sorrow, it is well.
5. Celebrate the small stuff. It is completely valid to celebrate today because it is Tuesday and on Sunday you didn't see yourself getting past Monday. Celebrate the little holidays that fill almost every calendar day now. Friend's birthday? Make some cupcakes and a card. First day of football season? Have people over and make a Superbowl Party Test-Run. Life is so short. Do something you enjoy. Embrace those around you. Celebrate whenever the opportunity arises. I've never been sadder because I chose to celebrate something.
6. Always compliment people. Have you told a stranger that you liked their smile or the way they had styled their hair? People just light up. I love that more than anything. We're so used to living in a world where we look down and go about our own business and want it to go as quickly as possible, so we interact less and less with those around us. It's so sad. Some of the coolest stories I have heard have been people who were in front of me in line at the grocery store, or waiting for their drink at Starbucks. People have amazing stories, and you'll only hear them if you take the time to ask. Compliments are a way to brighten someone's day. You never know, they could have needed to hear something positive far more than you realize.
7. The crockpot is magic. Seriously. I put a few ingredients in first thing in the morning, leave for the entire day, and come back to a meal. I'm thankful for that.
8. This poem:
"Some days in this life, you are the tracks
that lead off to some mysterious and
wonderful distance. Some days, you are the
train, strong and filled with purpose and
fire and the promise of a destination.
Some days, my friends, you will be the coins
and on those days, when the weight of the
world is about to run you over and the
tracks feel like they are frozen and silent,
just remember... soon, someone will run to
the tracks, ignore the distance they lead to,
forget the sound of the train that passed,
and search frantically for your transformed
self, shining and smooth.
They will pick you up, they will hold you
forever, and when age catches up to them,
it won't be the train or the tracks they
will remember, it will be you, the coin."
- Tyler Knott Gregson
9. Send snail mail. It is a dying form of communication that desperately needs to be revived. Receiving a letter is one of the greatest feelings. Knowing that someone took the time to craft words with their hands, fold it into an envelope, and send it your way is incredibly special. I keep every letter that I get. I feel like I am holding people a little closer that way, even though the closeness may not be physical. It is worth it all.
10. "Have courage and be kind". I am learning from Cinderella how my goals in life do not need to be embellished or hidden in poetic wording. In my life, I hope to have courage and to be kind. I think that's enough.
11. Show up for people. Go to the parties that they host. Go to the event they planned for their company. See their concerts, their class performances at PTO nights, their presentations, their art gallery showings. Walk in the door when they are sure that no one is coming. I have never once regretted showing up for someone. It is what you do for those that you care for. You show up. When they look at you, let their own worth reflect back at them.
12. Be where your feet are. I had heard this forever, but I'm learning it more in this time of transitioning. It is so easy for me to focus on the past or the future, as I feel like I am somewhere in between the two, but isn't that how life always is? I'm learning to pull back and be where I am. I notice more smiles. I give more freely. I laugh more. I stress less. Being where your feet are means turning off the cell phones, disconnecting for a while, and enjoying the moment for what it is.
13. Be vulnerable. Open up, even when it is scary and may hurt. Allow others in. Be there for others when they let you in. Vulnerability is the key to many things vital to our world. Just listen to Brene Brown: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
14. If you know something in your gut, listen. My gut has very rarely steered me wrong. My over-thinking brain, however, is another story. I'm realizing that the more I pray over something, the more I get that gut feeling. I believe that is God, and I believe that He most definitely knows what is best for me.
15. Learn to accept compliments. Nothing is worse than getting a compliment brushed off by the person you are trying to give it to. Don't deprive someone of the joy of giving a compliment by reputing it. Simply say "Thank you!" And accept the good that someone is trying to do.
16. You define what it means to be you. No one else gets a say in that. You decide what to value, what direction you are going to take, what impact you will have. People may not like your choices, they may disagree, they may walk away. But the idea they have of you is based off of their decisions for themselves, which you do not have to answer to. You may decide one thing today, and change your mind tomorrow. And that is okay. You are under no obligation to be who you were five minutes ago. You may adapt a million times before you think you're gotten it right, and you may have to adapt a million more once you decide that isn't for you, anyway. There's so much beauty and possibility in that.
17. Invest time wisely. Time is one of very few resources that you never get back. Invest it in the best way you can. I used to think that this meant that I always needed to be on the go, always being productive with my time. I'm learning more that a Sunday afternoon nap can be a wise use of time, too.
18. There's a Harry Potter quote for everything. "Words are, in my not so humble opinion, are our most inexhaustible form of magic."
19. Heartbreak makes you all the more human. Heartbreak reminds us that we aren't invincible. That we aren't made for this world. When your heart breaks, you learn a lot about yourself. How you heal. Your incredible amount of strength. Who in your life will stand by you in the valley. That time truly is the only fix. But more than anything, heartbreaks affirm your ability to feel, and to feel deeply. And what is the point of all of this if not to experience life to the fullest extent possible? The depth of pain will one day be matched with mountain-top joy. And you will know that you were the one who picked yourself up off of the floor and pieced yourself back together. No one will be able to take that from you. You will be able to help others find that strength in themselves when they face similar situations.
20. Making a difference is the greatest feeling. It doesn't matter if it is one person on one day, or a large group over a lifetime. We all have the ability to choose to do things to help others and to thus better the world. Helping other people see themselves with the value and worth that I see in them gives me more joy than anything else in this world. It doesn't take much to make a large impact.
21. Coffee is perfect. In all forms. At all times of day. In any cup. Hot or cold. Coffee is perfect. Ask Lorelai Gilmore. (Another mantra for my life).
22. And if not, He is still good. I'm in a time of transition. I have one more semester of student teaching, and then I will be in search of my first teaching job. I do not know where or when this will happen, all I know is that there is a plan in place. There are many things that I wish would happen now. Things that I've prayed for incessantly, things I feel are in line with what I'm supposed to do and who I am supposed to be. I'm learning that, if none of these things happen, He is still good. If I get a teaching job at a good school, great! If not, He is still good. If I find a job in a place that I want to live, great! If not, He is still good. If I find life-long friends, great! If not, He is still good. If you get nothing else from my list of lessons I'm learning, I hope that this last one sticks: He is good.
I'm thankful for everyone who has gotten me here, and I look forward to where I'm headed next. Here's to 22!
-S.
-
Saturday, July 2, 2016
Monday, September 1, 2014
Where I'm From
Where I’m From
1. I am from stars,
2. From carbon, hydrogen, and helium mixed with magic
3. I am from eyes squeezed tight
4. And please, please, please let my wish come true.
5. I am from tulle and satin,
6. Dance recitals and princess gowns,
7. A child who never quite grew up…
8. Dreams I thought I’d outgrow eventually.
9. I’m from piano keys and Election Days
10. From Sinatra and Glinda the Good Witch.
11. I’m from s’mores
12. And lightning bugs
13. And fireworks after the baseball game.
14. I’m from flashlights and books under bed sheets,
15. First Days of School photographs,
16. And “You Were Right, Mom” ’s.
17. I’m from baptisms by that muddy riverbank
18. From hands that speak
19. Thumb, pointer, pinky… I love you, too.
20. From Nana’s hands covered in flour
21. To Grandmama’s thick accent at the Thanksgiving table
22. They say I take too many pictures
23. And maybe they’re right but if I’ve learned anything
24. It’s that this life is about people.
25. I’m from stories, decisions, dreams,
26. Paths chosen and followed and diverted along the way.
27. I am from a long line of people, roots and limbs and
trunk
28. This tree always growing, changing
29. And if you look, up and to the left just a little
30. That small little bud? That one’s me.
Monday, July 28, 2014
It Felt Like Coming Home.
It was exceptionally warm, the sound of the kickball game going on provided a nice roar to cover my silence. Enough beating around the bush. I dug my toe into the dirt, squinting in the sunlight streaming down in all directions. A boy now more part man than all child and growing faster every day rounded third, sprinting for the plate as the ball hurtled back into the infield.
"I really, really messed up," I told her as the towheaded boy, awkwardly running in his newly acquired height, crossed the plate at full speed. Safe.
I told her everything, actually. I closed my eyes and unfolded all of the edges as she took in the entirety of a really ugly mess that resides in what seems my all too recent memory. I told her how it happened. How I chose. How it hurt. How I cried. How it ended. How it still comes in waves, like last night when I felt like I was drowning even though it's been almost two years and shouldn't I be past this by now? But thanks for holding my hand, there are some times when I'm not sure if I'll be able to come up for air again at all.
Deep breath, I tore my gaze finally away from the game across the field, bracing myself for the look that always comes when anyone hears part of this story of mine. The eyes filled with pity and disgust, judging every single layer I had tried to peel apart. Dropping the trust I had so gingerly placed in their care. No wonder it's been broken so many times.
But she wasn't looking at me like that. She actually was looking at me the exact same way she had before I even tried to dive into this mess. She shrugged, smiled.
You're not broken. You're still worth it. We all do things, it doesn't make you any less of a person. I love you the same as always.
I thought my heart might just implode. I didn't realize how deeply painful the drought had been until I finally felt the rain. How thirsty I was for just a bit of unconditional love, a bit of acceptance. The kickball game wrapped up and we headed toward the field to join the circle of hands that connected a large number of the people who mean the most to me in the world. I don't know if she knew how drastically my world had been changed in that moment... that the glass castle I had built around myself had just been shattered. I could feel the sunshine, and it felt like coming home.
~
It's important you know some of the back story here. It's not everything, because the everythings are better shared in coffee shops, hands wrapped around warm mugs, or in left field of a community park in a small town in West Virginia that has all kinds of a hold on your heart. Call me up sometime, we'll share in the everythings.
I'd been on this trip for years. This year was my sixth, actually. Long enough to watch 4-year-olds become middle-schoolers with hearts the size of Texas and to have plenty of "remember that one time?!" stories. Long enough to feel like I was coming home rather than leaving it when I put Arnoldsburg, West Virginia into my GPS. Except, this year, I didn't really want to go.
It really boils down to the fact that I had a lot of pain I was holding on to. A sea of heartache I didn't think I could wade through or figure out so I sat on the shore ignoring it. A lot of distance I had tried to place between me and a God I was fairly certain didn't even exist, and if He did, then sure as hell didn't want anything to do with someone like me. So, as much as I wanted to see some of my favorite people in the world, spending a week telling them about something I didn't believe in myself didn't exactly sound like a good time. My desire to stay home was only strengthened when 2 of the co-teachers in my class dropped out of the trip a week before we left. And I was flying in from a family vacation the night before I needed to leave (to drive by myself, because everyone else would already be there). But in the end, desire to see everyone won out and I went anyway.
We run a VBS at a small church in this town of Arnoldsburg. It's a system now of how we go visiting to let people know we're here, and how we pick the kids up and bring them home Monday through Friday so that they can come learn about Jesus with us. The good thing was that, even though I may not necessarily have believed it, I had grown up in church, so I knew all the right words to say when it came to teaching about Jesus and the gospel. I'd had 20 years of experience in hearing it said to me, and teaching isn't much of a struggle for me, so Monday came along and we began our lessons in our VBS theme of 'Colossal Coaster World' where our message was Facing Fear and Trusting God. We were learning about Paul and every day we would add a piece of his story.
(What we learned of Paul's story, as summarized by me:
Paul was not a good guy at the beginning of the story. He was named Saul, and he was famous for arresting Christians and having them brutally beaten and murdered. He thought that God was a joke and he refused to have anything to do with Him, except for when it came to arresting His people. But then God came along and stopped him. Literally stopped him in his tracks on the road to Damascus and said 'Saul, why are you persecuting me?' and Saul went blind and was completely shocked. Enter Ananias, God's faithful servant, who then followed God's voice and went to Saul, telling him about God and, with God in him, healed Saul of his blindness, allowing him to become Paul. Paul was completely ecstatic about this God that he now knew to be entirely real and who had changed everything about him. He went around praising God and preaching about Him, but the people of God didn't trust him because of what he had done. They didn't see how someone who had done such terrible things could be loved and changed by God so instantly, and they didn't trust his transformation. They didn't trust him so much so that they wanted him to be taken out of the city, and they were prepared to hurt him. Enter Barnabas, a man of God who believed what Paul said and helped him to flee the city safely. Later, in Philippi, Paul and his friend Silas were preaching the word of God when they happened upon a slave girl possessed with a demon who allowed her to tell fortunes. They cast out the demon, making the girl's owners very mad, and they persuaded the leaders of the city to arrest the two men. While in jail, they were praising God and praying without ceasing, which is the exact opposite of what you would expect from someone who was just put in jail. That night there was an earthquake and all of the prisoner's chains were broken and the doors were opened. The jailer woke up and freaked out because he thought that all of the prisoners had escaped, so he was about t kill himself before the officials would kill him when Paul yelled to him and told him that no one had gone. The jailer ran into the cell and asked how to be saved, and Paul told him that he just had to believe in Jesus. The jailer took them home and his whole family was saved.)
There's more to the story, of course, and I think you should read it when you have time. It's incredible the works that God did through Paul's life.
It wasn't an accident that this was the story of the week. Because, friends, this story sunk right down into the very core of who I was.
Wednesday came, the day we share the ABC's of salvation, which is the Gospel message that Jesus came to earth to die and rise again for our sins so that we could have communion with God in heaven one day. I'd heard the story a million times, and spouted off all of the right things to say without really thinking too terribly much about it. After Wednesday came Thursday, the day of invitation. We have a group-wide invitation where we invite people to ask Jesus into their lives if they haven't before. It's an incredible time where people get to choose to accept what they have been listening to all week, or to walk away from it. Every class sent a teacher to the front at the altar to talk to and pray with the kids that might come up from the respective classes. Our class sent me. After a while and a few wonderful re-dedications, one girl in my class named Kirsta came up to the front. She was so incredibly excited, she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart! And, Miss Sarah, that means that I get to be with God forever and that I get to talk to Him and that He will help me through hard times and oh, Miss Sarah, I am so excited because I get JESUS!
It rocked the foundation of my little world, that girl in that moment. I had 'accepted Jesus' some years ago as a kid, a decision I had made because it was what everyone I knew had done, and one of my friends had just walked to the front so I might as well. Also, I get to have communion if I do it so that sounds pretty cool. But it was never excitement. It was never I get JESUS!... It was just what I was supposed to do, if I believed it or not. God was an obligation, something I accepted as being real just as I had accepted that the sky was blue. It was what the people I trusted had said, but not something I had really delved into to see if it was something I believed. It definitely wasn't something I had acted on at all.
And so we prayed, and we were excited, and she wanted to be baptized, and we wrote her name down and she went and sat back down with our class. I was overwhelmed... all these people and all these moments this week... ones I didn't even write about because, let's face it, this blog post would be about 12 years long if I told you all the details... all of the sudden, it just made sense. Because no matter how much I read, and no matter which religions I had looked at trying desperately to find something to tell me I wasn't as broken as I felt, nothing else made as much sense as Jesus. As a God who sealed me with his fingerprint, who knew that I would mess up, who sent His one and only child to live this amazingly perfect life, but still have to die so that my bad stuff wouldn't keep me away. Who let me grow and live and make decisions all because He knew that true and total love requires you to choose it. To choose love above all other things, and to let love win. That is the only way to experience all the joy that comes with loving and being loved. All this time I'd been running as far as I could, but I turn around and He's still right here. He really never left.
And so I ran. Right straight smack into the middle of the ocean of grace that I hadn't let myself believe was truly there. And in that moment, on that pew in the front of a church full of hearts that have a grip on mine, I chose. I understood that this is truth, this God that sees the mess, the brokenness, the terrible things... He still wants me. He still says, 'Hey, I pick you. Every single moment, I pick you. You're on my team.' He's real. He's not just something you read a story about, or something that you do because you're expected to on Sunday mornings when you're at home. He's real. And it sounds so elementary for someone who has grown up in a church but it blew my mind, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so broken. I prayed for quite some time, asking Him to move in me like he did for Paul. I finally felt myself beginning to release all of that pain I had been holding on to for so very long. Because if He can forgive Paul, and if He can forgive me, maybe it's finally time that I try and do the same for myself. Not to say it will be easy, but in the same way I didn't realize I needed rain in the drought, I didn't realize how heavy all that pain was until I felt it slide off my shoulders and I put it at the foot of the cross and walked away.
I made the decision to be baptized the following day, Friday. I wanted to follow through with telling everyone that I had made a decision to give my life to Christ, and that I want to live for Him in all that I do. That this is real to me, and not just a faith I claim on Sunday mornings, but a faith that is rooted deep into everything I am. What an incredible experience as well. I got to be baptized by a man who has become like a second father to me throughout the years of going on this trip, as well as my friend, the one who saw my mess and loved me in spite of it all. So many of the people who have come to hold an immensely special place in my heart were there also. It is amazing to know that I have this incredible support system to help me through this new journey.
~
And that brings us back to the kickball game. My heart was in a new place, and I wasn't sure how to navigate it yet. So I released pieces of my story that had been poking into my insides, keeping me from breathing. I showed them and, in return, I received love. Love from a God who pours out oceans upon oceans of grace and welcomes me in, a child splashing in true and complete joy as her Daddy watches and smiles... I know He must have smiled. I also received love from a friend. A real person who saw past my messiness and loved me anyway. What an example of Jesus in this world. We circled up around the infield, our group expanding and taking up almost its entire perimeter. As I looked around, my heart suddenly felt so full it might burst. This is love. And hope. And joy. And grace. And peace. And acceptance. And as we clasped hands and bowed our heads, I smiled. I really could feel the sunshine. And it felt like coming home.
All My Love,
-S.
"I really, really messed up," I told her as the towheaded boy, awkwardly running in his newly acquired height, crossed the plate at full speed. Safe.
I told her everything, actually. I closed my eyes and unfolded all of the edges as she took in the entirety of a really ugly mess that resides in what seems my all too recent memory. I told her how it happened. How I chose. How it hurt. How I cried. How it ended. How it still comes in waves, like last night when I felt like I was drowning even though it's been almost two years and shouldn't I be past this by now? But thanks for holding my hand, there are some times when I'm not sure if I'll be able to come up for air again at all.
Deep breath, I tore my gaze finally away from the game across the field, bracing myself for the look that always comes when anyone hears part of this story of mine. The eyes filled with pity and disgust, judging every single layer I had tried to peel apart. Dropping the trust I had so gingerly placed in their care. No wonder it's been broken so many times.
But she wasn't looking at me like that. She actually was looking at me the exact same way she had before I even tried to dive into this mess. She shrugged, smiled.
You're not broken. You're still worth it. We all do things, it doesn't make you any less of a person. I love you the same as always.
I thought my heart might just implode. I didn't realize how deeply painful the drought had been until I finally felt the rain. How thirsty I was for just a bit of unconditional love, a bit of acceptance. The kickball game wrapped up and we headed toward the field to join the circle of hands that connected a large number of the people who mean the most to me in the world. I don't know if she knew how drastically my world had been changed in that moment... that the glass castle I had built around myself had just been shattered. I could feel the sunshine, and it felt like coming home.
~
It's important you know some of the back story here. It's not everything, because the everythings are better shared in coffee shops, hands wrapped around warm mugs, or in left field of a community park in a small town in West Virginia that has all kinds of a hold on your heart. Call me up sometime, we'll share in the everythings.
I'd been on this trip for years. This year was my sixth, actually. Long enough to watch 4-year-olds become middle-schoolers with hearts the size of Texas and to have plenty of "remember that one time?!" stories. Long enough to feel like I was coming home rather than leaving it when I put Arnoldsburg, West Virginia into my GPS. Except, this year, I didn't really want to go.
It really boils down to the fact that I had a lot of pain I was holding on to. A sea of heartache I didn't think I could wade through or figure out so I sat on the shore ignoring it. A lot of distance I had tried to place between me and a God I was fairly certain didn't even exist, and if He did, then sure as hell didn't want anything to do with someone like me. So, as much as I wanted to see some of my favorite people in the world, spending a week telling them about something I didn't believe in myself didn't exactly sound like a good time. My desire to stay home was only strengthened when 2 of the co-teachers in my class dropped out of the trip a week before we left. And I was flying in from a family vacation the night before I needed to leave (to drive by myself, because everyone else would already be there). But in the end, desire to see everyone won out and I went anyway.
We run a VBS at a small church in this town of Arnoldsburg. It's a system now of how we go visiting to let people know we're here, and how we pick the kids up and bring them home Monday through Friday so that they can come learn about Jesus with us. The good thing was that, even though I may not necessarily have believed it, I had grown up in church, so I knew all the right words to say when it came to teaching about Jesus and the gospel. I'd had 20 years of experience in hearing it said to me, and teaching isn't much of a struggle for me, so Monday came along and we began our lessons in our VBS theme of 'Colossal Coaster World' where our message was Facing Fear and Trusting God. We were learning about Paul and every day we would add a piece of his story.
(What we learned of Paul's story, as summarized by me:
Paul was not a good guy at the beginning of the story. He was named Saul, and he was famous for arresting Christians and having them brutally beaten and murdered. He thought that God was a joke and he refused to have anything to do with Him, except for when it came to arresting His people. But then God came along and stopped him. Literally stopped him in his tracks on the road to Damascus and said 'Saul, why are you persecuting me?' and Saul went blind and was completely shocked. Enter Ananias, God's faithful servant, who then followed God's voice and went to Saul, telling him about God and, with God in him, healed Saul of his blindness, allowing him to become Paul. Paul was completely ecstatic about this God that he now knew to be entirely real and who had changed everything about him. He went around praising God and preaching about Him, but the people of God didn't trust him because of what he had done. They didn't see how someone who had done such terrible things could be loved and changed by God so instantly, and they didn't trust his transformation. They didn't trust him so much so that they wanted him to be taken out of the city, and they were prepared to hurt him. Enter Barnabas, a man of God who believed what Paul said and helped him to flee the city safely. Later, in Philippi, Paul and his friend Silas were preaching the word of God when they happened upon a slave girl possessed with a demon who allowed her to tell fortunes. They cast out the demon, making the girl's owners very mad, and they persuaded the leaders of the city to arrest the two men. While in jail, they were praising God and praying without ceasing, which is the exact opposite of what you would expect from someone who was just put in jail. That night there was an earthquake and all of the prisoner's chains were broken and the doors were opened. The jailer woke up and freaked out because he thought that all of the prisoners had escaped, so he was about t kill himself before the officials would kill him when Paul yelled to him and told him that no one had gone. The jailer ran into the cell and asked how to be saved, and Paul told him that he just had to believe in Jesus. The jailer took them home and his whole family was saved.)
There's more to the story, of course, and I think you should read it when you have time. It's incredible the works that God did through Paul's life.
It wasn't an accident that this was the story of the week. Because, friends, this story sunk right down into the very core of who I was.
Wednesday came, the day we share the ABC's of salvation, which is the Gospel message that Jesus came to earth to die and rise again for our sins so that we could have communion with God in heaven one day. I'd heard the story a million times, and spouted off all of the right things to say without really thinking too terribly much about it. After Wednesday came Thursday, the day of invitation. We have a group-wide invitation where we invite people to ask Jesus into their lives if they haven't before. It's an incredible time where people get to choose to accept what they have been listening to all week, or to walk away from it. Every class sent a teacher to the front at the altar to talk to and pray with the kids that might come up from the respective classes. Our class sent me. After a while and a few wonderful re-dedications, one girl in my class named Kirsta came up to the front. She was so incredibly excited, she wanted to ask Jesus into her heart! And, Miss Sarah, that means that I get to be with God forever and that I get to talk to Him and that He will help me through hard times and oh, Miss Sarah, I am so excited because I get JESUS!
It rocked the foundation of my little world, that girl in that moment. I had 'accepted Jesus' some years ago as a kid, a decision I had made because it was what everyone I knew had done, and one of my friends had just walked to the front so I might as well. Also, I get to have communion if I do it so that sounds pretty cool. But it was never excitement. It was never I get JESUS!... It was just what I was supposed to do, if I believed it or not. God was an obligation, something I accepted as being real just as I had accepted that the sky was blue. It was what the people I trusted had said, but not something I had really delved into to see if it was something I believed. It definitely wasn't something I had acted on at all.
And so we prayed, and we were excited, and she wanted to be baptized, and we wrote her name down and she went and sat back down with our class. I was overwhelmed... all these people and all these moments this week... ones I didn't even write about because, let's face it, this blog post would be about 12 years long if I told you all the details... all of the sudden, it just made sense. Because no matter how much I read, and no matter which religions I had looked at trying desperately to find something to tell me I wasn't as broken as I felt, nothing else made as much sense as Jesus. As a God who sealed me with his fingerprint, who knew that I would mess up, who sent His one and only child to live this amazingly perfect life, but still have to die so that my bad stuff wouldn't keep me away. Who let me grow and live and make decisions all because He knew that true and total love requires you to choose it. To choose love above all other things, and to let love win. That is the only way to experience all the joy that comes with loving and being loved. All this time I'd been running as far as I could, but I turn around and He's still right here. He really never left.
And so I ran. Right straight smack into the middle of the ocean of grace that I hadn't let myself believe was truly there. And in that moment, on that pew in the front of a church full of hearts that have a grip on mine, I chose. I understood that this is truth, this God that sees the mess, the brokenness, the terrible things... He still wants me. He still says, 'Hey, I pick you. Every single moment, I pick you. You're on my team.' He's real. He's not just something you read a story about, or something that you do because you're expected to on Sunday mornings when you're at home. He's real. And it sounds so elementary for someone who has grown up in a church but it blew my mind, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so broken. I prayed for quite some time, asking Him to move in me like he did for Paul. I finally felt myself beginning to release all of that pain I had been holding on to for so very long. Because if He can forgive Paul, and if He can forgive me, maybe it's finally time that I try and do the same for myself. Not to say it will be easy, but in the same way I didn't realize I needed rain in the drought, I didn't realize how heavy all that pain was until I felt it slide off my shoulders and I put it at the foot of the cross and walked away.
I made the decision to be baptized the following day, Friday. I wanted to follow through with telling everyone that I had made a decision to give my life to Christ, and that I want to live for Him in all that I do. That this is real to me, and not just a faith I claim on Sunday mornings, but a faith that is rooted deep into everything I am. What an incredible experience as well. I got to be baptized by a man who has become like a second father to me throughout the years of going on this trip, as well as my friend, the one who saw my mess and loved me in spite of it all. So many of the people who have come to hold an immensely special place in my heart were there also. It is amazing to know that I have this incredible support system to help me through this new journey.
~
And that brings us back to the kickball game. My heart was in a new place, and I wasn't sure how to navigate it yet. So I released pieces of my story that had been poking into my insides, keeping me from breathing. I showed them and, in return, I received love. Love from a God who pours out oceans upon oceans of grace and welcomes me in, a child splashing in true and complete joy as her Daddy watches and smiles... I know He must have smiled. I also received love from a friend. A real person who saw past my messiness and loved me anyway. What an example of Jesus in this world. We circled up around the infield, our group expanding and taking up almost its entire perimeter. As I looked around, my heart suddenly felt so full it might burst. This is love. And hope. And joy. And grace. And peace. And acceptance. And as we clasped hands and bowed our heads, I smiled. I really could feel the sunshine. And it felt like coming home.
All My Love,
-S.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
19 Things I Learned at 19.
20 years old. It still tastes funny in my mouth, a mixture of letters I don't quite recognize, a new decade. The beginning of 'your twenties', as those in their 30s, 40s, 50s say... a time full of adventure and mistakes and moments chock full of figuring out who you are in this world. But don't worry, dear, because really no one figures out who they are in the world. You just walk through it and you do the best you can. It's strange knowing that my teenage years are at an end. I would still much rather binge watch an entire TV show on netflix while eating nutella out of a jar than dress in nice clothes and pay my own bills and figure out what 'taxes' means and have to balance a check book. These past few years have altered me in ways that are completely irreversible, but I think that's probably what your teenage years are supposed to do. I have learned so much that I wish I would have known all along, but I also know that it's all a part of the process. The lessons I've learned am learning are not just for the years beginning with "1", but for the years beyond that. I know that in this life, we all make our own mistakes, and that's really okay. We've got a whole lifetime to figure this thing out. Drink that in, friend of mine, let it settle into your bones. No one has this thing figured out, but each day we grow more and more into the people we are supposed to become. Just smile, and try to make the best of it. Here are a few of the things I've learned on my pathway through this life, and maybe they'll help you out sometime. So, here's 19 of the things I've learned in my 19 years.
1. Always ask for help. And then ask for more. And then, probably ask for help again. Nobody has it all together in this world. We like to think that we do, but in reality, we don't. We all have weak points and things that we cannot do on our own. And that's okay. One of the joys of the human heart is to help another, and that goes for others as well. Asking for and accepting help are not weaknesses, but strength in knowing when you can do better with the help of another.
2. The human heart is a fragile, beautiful thing. Treat it as such. Don't let others mess with yours, and you don't mess with others'. Really we are all just trying to move through this world together. Be kind, and help others on their own journeys. Don't put up with people who don't treat you as the valuable person that you are. Know your worth, and protect your heart. Find the balance between vulnerability and brokenness and know when to tread it. It is important to be true to who you are and the innermost parts of what that means, but it is also important to know where the cracks are and how to keep them from growing. It all comes along with knowing yourself and knowing how full of value you are.
3. Sometimes, it's worth doing whatever you're doing at 2am, even though you'll be tired the next day. You'll catch up on sleep.
4. You don't get to choose how I love you. I know how basic and elementary that this sounds but when it finally seeped into my soul, it rocked my world. I've never been much for confrontation, never liked the feeling of knowing that someone out there in the world doesn't like who I am or what I stand for. But I'm learning that you can't please everyone. It's impossible. So, you do what you can and you make it through the world. You don't get a say in the way people choose to show love, and other people don't get a say in how you choose to do the same. You move forward in the best way that you know how, and that's all you can do. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.
5. Hearing and Listening are two vastly different things, and it is rare to find someone who knows the difference between the two. Many people are champions at hearing. Often, they can tell you word for word what you've just said. But it's rare to find a listener... a person who takes what you have to say to heart, who devotes time and attention to the deepest parts of you that you are trying to convey to them. A listener is a person who makes you feel like you are the most important thing in that moment, and that is how listening should be. You are valuable and you deserve to be listened to. Find someone who is willing to listen, not just hear you.
6. Be unequivocally, entirely, wholly you. Don't try to be something that you aren't, no matter what your reasoning is. Be you. There is literally no one else on the entire planet that has the outlook on life that you do. You may find someone who comes close, but you will never find an exact match. You are stripping the world of the ability to have the person that is you in it, and that is not fair to the other people of the world. As for me personally, Iwant, I need to know who you are. You will shape me on my journey through this life, whether or not you know it. Be you. That's a decision you won't regret. (Unless you are an axe murderer at heart, and then let's have a conversation before you go about being you, alright?)
7. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend that you are. People won't be able to tell the difference.
8. Stop putting yourself down. It's not attractive, it's demeaning. If you actually see yourself that poorly, you need to get a better mirror. There is so much good in you, things you can't even possibly know yet. See the good in yourself and focus on improving that. Be confident, because you're awesome. Abso-freaking-lutely awesome. Trust me. I'm an un-biased opinion.
9. This life is full of ordinary days. Play up the special ones. They're special for a reason.
10. Friends are the thing that make this life incredible. They make the happy moments happier and the not so happy moments bearable. When you find someone whose quirks mesh up with yours, hold on to them. They are worth all the world. But know, too, that sometimes friendships aren't meant to be forever. Sometimes friends are for a season. And that's okay, too.
11. Fall in love. Fall in love every single day, over and over and over again. With people. With places. With what you do. With a goal, a job, a star, a flower. Give a piece of yourself to something or someone and let yourself be enthralled by it. Let yourself trust in it. It's so scary sometimes and you may very well get hurt but do it anyway because love is what makes this whole entire thing worth it. Love and love and love and love until you think that you can't love anymore and then love again. I promise you with all I am that it will be the best and most wonderful part of your time here.
12. You're going to have to try. 98% of good things in this world don't come without at least a bit of effort. When you've worked for something, it makes it much sweeter anyway. Don't confuse this as a contradiction of #1. It isn't. Learn the difference between the two.
13. Always read the book before you see the movie. It makes the experience a thousand times better.
14. You define who you are. Savor the sweetness that resides in the depth of those words. You. Define. Who. You. Are. No one else gets a say. You know the type of person you are, and you know where you stand. You may make mistakes, and you may lose people, and they may walk away with the wrong idea of who you are in their minds. But that idea that they have is not you. You get to decide who that is. And it may change from moment to moment, the definition you create. It may be adapted a million times over before you think you've gotten it right, and then it will probably change all over again after that. Rest in that, though. Decide who you want to be, and become that person. You get to do that.
15. Your past is just a story. It only has as much power as you give it. There's substance to the saying of you don't get to choose where you come from, but you do get to choose where you go from here.
16. You're gonna get hurt. Probably more than once. But this world is such an incredible place. And there are people out there that love you infinitely. And you're a good thing in someone's life. And if you just keep going, eventually the pain does become less and less. It will take time, and that part is no fun, but just wait it out. You're worth the effort it will take you to keep moving forward. Promise.
17. Laugh as much as possible. You look better when you smile.
18. Take time to slow down a little bit. Life can be exhausting at 180 miles per hour 24/7. Take time to do the things you love- you love them for a reason. Put people first, and that includes yourself. Learn to say no sometimes... it really is okay to stay in on a Friday night and watch a movie in the comfort of your pj pants. Look at all the beautiful things around you and breathe them in. Don't let the whirlwind of things make life pass you by. Savor it.
19. Be all there. If there is anything that you remember from this rambling list of things I am discovering about the amazing place we call life, please let it be this: Wherever you are, be all there. Show up for people. Let them see their importance reflected in your eyes. Put the phone away. Bring your mind back to the very second you are living in. Because we are in the middle of the good old days and trust me, you don't want to miss them.
I'm not really awesome at most of these yet. But I'm learning. This world is an incredible place full of beauty and laughter and people and love. I'm so thankful to have had the chance to experience it for 20 years. Here's to a new decade full of new experiences!
All my love,
-S.
1. Always ask for help. And then ask for more. And then, probably ask for help again. Nobody has it all together in this world. We like to think that we do, but in reality, we don't. We all have weak points and things that we cannot do on our own. And that's okay. One of the joys of the human heart is to help another, and that goes for others as well. Asking for and accepting help are not weaknesses, but strength in knowing when you can do better with the help of another.
2. The human heart is a fragile, beautiful thing. Treat it as such. Don't let others mess with yours, and you don't mess with others'. Really we are all just trying to move through this world together. Be kind, and help others on their own journeys. Don't put up with people who don't treat you as the valuable person that you are. Know your worth, and protect your heart. Find the balance between vulnerability and brokenness and know when to tread it. It is important to be true to who you are and the innermost parts of what that means, but it is also important to know where the cracks are and how to keep them from growing. It all comes along with knowing yourself and knowing how full of value you are.
3. Sometimes, it's worth doing whatever you're doing at 2am, even though you'll be tired the next day. You'll catch up on sleep.
4. You don't get to choose how I love you. I know how basic and elementary that this sounds but when it finally seeped into my soul, it rocked my world. I've never been much for confrontation, never liked the feeling of knowing that someone out there in the world doesn't like who I am or what I stand for. But I'm learning that you can't please everyone. It's impossible. So, you do what you can and you make it through the world. You don't get a say in the way people choose to show love, and other people don't get a say in how you choose to do the same. You move forward in the best way that you know how, and that's all you can do. Don't let anyone tell you that you're doing it wrong.
5. Hearing and Listening are two vastly different things, and it is rare to find someone who knows the difference between the two. Many people are champions at hearing. Often, they can tell you word for word what you've just said. But it's rare to find a listener... a person who takes what you have to say to heart, who devotes time and attention to the deepest parts of you that you are trying to convey to them. A listener is a person who makes you feel like you are the most important thing in that moment, and that is how listening should be. You are valuable and you deserve to be listened to. Find someone who is willing to listen, not just hear you.
6. Be unequivocally, entirely, wholly you. Don't try to be something that you aren't, no matter what your reasoning is. Be you. There is literally no one else on the entire planet that has the outlook on life that you do. You may find someone who comes close, but you will never find an exact match. You are stripping the world of the ability to have the person that is you in it, and that is not fair to the other people of the world. As for me personally, I
7. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend that you are. People won't be able to tell the difference.
8. Stop putting yourself down. It's not attractive, it's demeaning. If you actually see yourself that poorly, you need to get a better mirror. There is so much good in you, things you can't even possibly know yet. See the good in yourself and focus on improving that. Be confident, because you're awesome. Abso-freaking-lutely awesome. Trust me. I'm an un-biased opinion.
9. This life is full of ordinary days. Play up the special ones. They're special for a reason.
10. Friends are the thing that make this life incredible. They make the happy moments happier and the not so happy moments bearable. When you find someone whose quirks mesh up with yours, hold on to them. They are worth all the world. But know, too, that sometimes friendships aren't meant to be forever. Sometimes friends are for a season. And that's okay, too.
11. Fall in love. Fall in love every single day, over and over and over again. With people. With places. With what you do. With a goal, a job, a star, a flower. Give a piece of yourself to something or someone and let yourself be enthralled by it. Let yourself trust in it. It's so scary sometimes and you may very well get hurt but do it anyway because love is what makes this whole entire thing worth it. Love and love and love and love until you think that you can't love anymore and then love again. I promise you with all I am that it will be the best and most wonderful part of your time here.
12. You're going to have to try. 98% of good things in this world don't come without at least a bit of effort. When you've worked for something, it makes it much sweeter anyway. Don't confuse this as a contradiction of #1. It isn't. Learn the difference between the two.
13. Always read the book before you see the movie. It makes the experience a thousand times better.
14. You define who you are. Savor the sweetness that resides in the depth of those words. You. Define. Who. You. Are. No one else gets a say. You know the type of person you are, and you know where you stand. You may make mistakes, and you may lose people, and they may walk away with the wrong idea of who you are in their minds. But that idea that they have is not you. You get to decide who that is. And it may change from moment to moment, the definition you create. It may be adapted a million times over before you think you've gotten it right, and then it will probably change all over again after that. Rest in that, though. Decide who you want to be, and become that person. You get to do that.
15. Your past is just a story. It only has as much power as you give it. There's substance to the saying of you don't get to choose where you come from, but you do get to choose where you go from here.
16. You're gonna get hurt. Probably more than once. But this world is such an incredible place. And there are people out there that love you infinitely. And you're a good thing in someone's life. And if you just keep going, eventually the pain does become less and less. It will take time, and that part is no fun, but just wait it out. You're worth the effort it will take you to keep moving forward. Promise.
17. Laugh as much as possible. You look better when you smile.
18. Take time to slow down a little bit. Life can be exhausting at 180 miles per hour 24/7. Take time to do the things you love- you love them for a reason. Put people first, and that includes yourself. Learn to say no sometimes... it really is okay to stay in on a Friday night and watch a movie in the comfort of your pj pants. Look at all the beautiful things around you and breathe them in. Don't let the whirlwind of things make life pass you by. Savor it.
19. Be all there. If there is anything that you remember from this rambling list of things I am discovering about the amazing place we call life, please let it be this: Wherever you are, be all there. Show up for people. Let them see their importance reflected in your eyes. Put the phone away. Bring your mind back to the very second you are living in. Because we are in the middle of the good old days and trust me, you don't want to miss them.
I'm not really awesome at most of these yet. But I'm learning. This world is an incredible place full of beauty and laughter and people and love. I'm so thankful to have had the chance to experience it for 20 years. Here's to a new decade full of new experiences!
All my love,
-S.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Before.
There are a few things you should know about me.
First,
My name is Sarah and that means princess
Which is what I've always fancied myself to be
Proceeding to help shape my corner of the world
Looking fabulous in tulle while doing so
Second,
I sometimes forget to turn the lights off when I leave a room.
And I really like crawling into fresh sheets on the bed,
Christmas lights make the room feel softer.
I'll clean up the shoes on the floor, I promise.
Third,
I'm terrified of falling.
The scars I carry have become heavier
Than they were when I first gained them.
Unfortunately people got here before you did, and sometimes
It's hard to look past the walls they constructed during their stay.
It's not personal.
Fourth,
I am in love with words. All words.
And sometimes I'll try and piece them together and
They'll come out too fast and I'll use the wrong ones
But look hard, there's a meteor shower in my soul
And they make me so excited and my heart is full
And how can you not runthingstogetherwhenyourheartisfull?
Fifth,
I forget my half-full teacups around the house.
It's a side-effect of being a dreamer.
It's okay, I'll get it eventually.
I probably got distracted by the sunlight.
It illuminates the dust in the air and I'm not sure exactly how
But there's poetry in that.
Sixth,
I remember useless things
Like the way you take your coffee and
The color of the shirt you wore the night I saw
Sparks behind your eyelids for the first time
But I tend to forget other things
Appointments, fresh milk for the fridge,
Nailpolish tops left on the counter beside the bottle
I'm working on that.
Seventh,
I hate odd numbers.
Especially 3's and 7's.
I don't really think there's logic to that one.
I just do. And this isn't an exception.
Eighth,
I believe in pinky promises and star wishes.
The world is full of ordinary,
Things fail and promises break
But add just a touch of magic, a hint of trust
And suddenly galaxies exist in the palm of your hand
Ninth,
I'm always looking for this moment
Trying to be fully here, exactly where I am.
This second to be followed by the next in
A set of perfection.
I try to live my life so that if a photograph were to
Be snapped at any second,
It would be something worth remembering.
Tenth,
I'm a lot to take on.
There's a lot of pieces that come in the package
Things that can't be so easily assembled sometimes.
I think they forgot to add the instruction manual anyway.
But there's also a lot of good that comes with accepting
You'll get notes in your lunchbox and tea first thing in the morning
You'll get your favorite meal because it's the anniversary of that one thing.
Or maybe just because it's Tuesday.
You'll get poems written about the way your fingertips
Remind me of piano keys, and your eyes of fourth of July fireworks.
With me, you'll get all the love I have to offer and then some.
It is an adventure. You can join in if you'd like.
I'm pretty sure you'll smile.
-S.
First,
My name is Sarah and that means princess
Which is what I've always fancied myself to be
Proceeding to help shape my corner of the world
Looking fabulous in tulle while doing so
Second,
I sometimes forget to turn the lights off when I leave a room.
And I really like crawling into fresh sheets on the bed,
Christmas lights make the room feel softer.
I'll clean up the shoes on the floor, I promise.
Third,
I'm terrified of falling.
The scars I carry have become heavier
Than they were when I first gained them.
Unfortunately people got here before you did, and sometimes
It's hard to look past the walls they constructed during their stay.
It's not personal.
Fourth,
I am in love with words. All words.
And sometimes I'll try and piece them together and
They'll come out too fast and I'll use the wrong ones
But look hard, there's a meteor shower in my soul
And they make me so excited and my heart is full
And how can you not runthingstogetherwhenyourheartisfull?
Fifth,
I forget my half-full teacups around the house.
It's a side-effect of being a dreamer.
It's okay, I'll get it eventually.
I probably got distracted by the sunlight.
It illuminates the dust in the air and I'm not sure exactly how
But there's poetry in that.
Sixth,
I remember useless things
Like the way you take your coffee and
The color of the shirt you wore the night I saw
Sparks behind your eyelids for the first time
But I tend to forget other things
Appointments, fresh milk for the fridge,
Nailpolish tops left on the counter beside the bottle
I'm working on that.
Seventh,
I hate odd numbers.
Especially 3's and 7's.
I don't really think there's logic to that one.
I just do. And this isn't an exception.
Eighth,
I believe in pinky promises and star wishes.
The world is full of ordinary,
Things fail and promises break
But add just a touch of magic, a hint of trust
And suddenly galaxies exist in the palm of your hand
Ninth,
I'm always looking for this moment
Trying to be fully here, exactly where I am.
This second to be followed by the next in
A set of perfection.
I try to live my life so that if a photograph were to
Be snapped at any second,
It would be something worth remembering.
Tenth,
I'm a lot to take on.
There's a lot of pieces that come in the package
Things that can't be so easily assembled sometimes.
I think they forgot to add the instruction manual anyway.
But there's also a lot of good that comes with accepting
You'll get notes in your lunchbox and tea first thing in the morning
You'll get your favorite meal because it's the anniversary of that one thing.
Or maybe just because it's Tuesday.
You'll get poems written about the way your fingertips
Remind me of piano keys, and your eyes of fourth of July fireworks.
With me, you'll get all the love I have to offer and then some.
It is an adventure. You can join in if you'd like.
I'm pretty sure you'll smile.
-S.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Five Minute Friday.
Today's Prompt: Hands.
Go.
I'll never forget the first time I understood hands. It was incredible.
No stress. It's funny how you don't realize how heavy something is until you're able to put it down for a while.
There are certain things that hearing people don't quite understand.
Like relying on your lips to tell me what is happening, rather than your voice.
Like having so many, over and over and over, give you a 'never mind' rather than responding to your quest for knowledge.
Like missing something so many times it is embarrassing to ask again.
Like relying on someone else to convey what is happening, and still missing the point because they've failed to convey it.
Like being the butt of a joke, the 'huh? what'd you say?' thrown back at you like you're something to be laughed at.
But hands. They paint the world right there in front of you. They let you speak and breathe and communicate without worry or stress or embarrassment. All of the sudden, you're a piece of the world. Not something broken, but something full and whole.
I bet you didn't know you could hear a hand. Just open your eyes, your mind. Listen, I'll share with you.
Here's how to sign 'I love you, too'.
Beautiful.
Stop.
-S.
Go.
I'll never forget the first time I understood hands. It was incredible.
No stress. It's funny how you don't realize how heavy something is until you're able to put it down for a while.
There are certain things that hearing people don't quite understand.
Like relying on your lips to tell me what is happening, rather than your voice.
Like having so many, over and over and over, give you a 'never mind' rather than responding to your quest for knowledge.
Like missing something so many times it is embarrassing to ask again.
Like relying on someone else to convey what is happening, and still missing the point because they've failed to convey it.
Like being the butt of a joke, the 'huh? what'd you say?' thrown back at you like you're something to be laughed at.
But hands. They paint the world right there in front of you. They let you speak and breathe and communicate without worry or stress or embarrassment. All of the sudden, you're a piece of the world. Not something broken, but something full and whole.
I bet you didn't know you could hear a hand. Just open your eyes, your mind. Listen, I'll share with you.
Here's how to sign 'I love you, too'.
Beautiful.
-S.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Five Minute Friday.
Today's Prompt: Nothing.
Go.
On my knees, gaze pointed down at the floor. Embarrassed. Hands wringing, bits of ocean fill in around the blue, vision blurs. I squeeze my eyes shut.
I feel the broken pieces sticking into the deepest part of my soul. I feel the shattered glass, the pieces I tried so desperately to glue back together, but the elemers glue is just not enough and my childlike hands are clumsy and don't know how to mend the holes.
I'm so sorry. I messed it all up. I made so many bad decisions, went precisely in the opposite direction of where you wanted me to be. I really didn't mean to most of the time. You trusted me with so much and I didn't do as you asked. You gave me all the beauty and wonderful things in the world and I ungratefully took them and abused them all. I wanted so badly to take care of what you gave me, to be the person you wanted me to be, but I broke it all. I'm here, but I have nothing left. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. I wouldn't either.
Hand reaches, gentle underneath my chin, raising my gaze to meet your own.
Oh, sweet girl of mine. There is nothing you could do, no mistake made, no promise broken, no path too far away... there is no height nor depth that could ever keep my love from reaching you.
Your arms slide around my shoulders, I didn't realize how much I craved them to be there, you hold me close. I feel the pieces, the brokenness I was sure was beyond repair, begin to mend again.
I brought you nothing, you gave me everything.
This is grace, this is love.
Stop.
-S.
Go.
On my knees, gaze pointed down at the floor. Embarrassed. Hands wringing, bits of ocean fill in around the blue, vision blurs. I squeeze my eyes shut.
I feel the broken pieces sticking into the deepest part of my soul. I feel the shattered glass, the pieces I tried so desperately to glue back together, but the elemers glue is just not enough and my childlike hands are clumsy and don't know how to mend the holes.
I'm so sorry. I messed it all up. I made so many bad decisions, went precisely in the opposite direction of where you wanted me to be. I really didn't mean to most of the time. You trusted me with so much and I didn't do as you asked. You gave me all the beauty and wonderful things in the world and I ungratefully took them and abused them all. I wanted so badly to take care of what you gave me, to be the person you wanted me to be, but I broke it all. I'm here, but I have nothing left. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. I wouldn't either.
Hand reaches, gentle underneath my chin, raising my gaze to meet your own.
Oh, sweet girl of mine. There is nothing you could do, no mistake made, no promise broken, no path too far away... there is no height nor depth that could ever keep my love from reaching you.
Your arms slide around my shoulders, I didn't realize how much I craved them to be there, you hold me close. I feel the pieces, the brokenness I was sure was beyond repair, begin to mend again.
I brought you nothing, you gave me everything.
This is grace, this is love.
Stop.
-S.
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